


A Very Dirk Gently Christmas

by thats_entirely_too_much_tuna



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Boys Kissing, But Mostly Christmas Fluff, Christmas Angst, Christmas Fluff, DGHDA Christmas Mini Bang 2017, Established Relationship, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Romance, Season one canon compliant, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 00:26:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13135332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thats_entirely_too_much_tuna/pseuds/thats_entirely_too_much_tuna
Summary: “I’m going to teach you to love Christmas again, Todd,” Dirk informed him. “I’ve decided.”“Uh, how are you planning on doing that, exactly?”“We’re going to celebrate the twelve days of Christmas,” Dirk said. “We’ll do every Christmassy thing we can possibly imagine for twelve days straight, and by the time Christmas actually rolls around, we’ll have replaced all your bad memories with good ones.”“The first day of Christmas is the twenty-fifth, Dirk. The last day is in January.”“Well, that’s anticlimactic,” Dirk pouted, thinking for a moment. “Doesn’t matter. We’ll do it backwards.” Upon seeing the hesitant expression on Todd’s face, Dirk groaned and grabbed his hands. “Comeon, Todd, it’ll be like… exposure therapy! Only instead of trapping a claustrophobic in a box, I’m going to trap you under a spruce tree.”Dirk takes it upon himself to make Todd love Christmas again. Piles of fluff abound. Can be read as a standalone, or as a sequel to Breathe in the Future.Written for the DGHDA Christmas Mini Bang 2017.





	1. December 1st

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again, everyone! Tuna's back with her longest fic to date! I was lucky enough to be paired with the amazing micacolabee on this bang. Be sure to check out the art she did [on tumblr](http://micacolabee.tumblr.com/post/168940513197/hi-everyone-i-participated-in-the-dirk-gentlys). It's stunning and perfect and I love it so much.
> 
> The fic itself is loosely based on this prompt: Dirk loves Christmas. Every aspect of it. The music, the lights, the bloody sweaters. Todd, on the other hand, not so much... Dirk wants to get Todd involved, but he wants Todd to want to be involved too.
> 
> Trigger warning for emetophobia in Chapter 8 (non-graphic mention, more details in chapter notes) and some minor anxiety throughout.
> 
> I hope you all have as much fun reading this as I had writing it. A huge thanks to Mod Red and Mod Hellz for doing such a great job organizing everything. This fandom is truly a joy to be a part of. I love you all, and I'm wishing you the happiest of holidays.

It wasn’t the cold that woke Todd up so much as the absence of warmth. Usually around this time in the morning, if Dirk had spent the night (which was more often than not), Todd would be stirred into wakefulness by his boyfriend stretching his limbs, heaving a yawn, and reaching a sleepy hand out until he found some suitable part of Todd to grab hold of, at which point Todd would let himself be dragged towards the welcome heat of Dirk’s body. This morning, however, he felt a palpable lack of Dirk.

Todd sat up in bed and peered drowsily at the empty space beside him. This was unusual. So unusual that Todd had to stop and ask himself whether Dirk had actually slept over the previous night, but unless Todd had somehow been unconscious for thirty-six straight hours, he knew the answer was an unequivocal yes; the pizza box they’d shared was still on the coffee table, and one of Dirk’s socks was draped over the lampshade from when he’d flung it off. So where had Dirk gone?

Todd didn’t have to wonder for long. Just then, the door swung open, and Dirk stood in the doorway, absolutely overflowing with shopping bags.

“Hey,” Todd said, puzzled.

“Todd, you’re awake!” Dirk said exuberantly.

“Yeah, I—I just woke up. Where were you?”

“Where does it look like?” Dirk asked good-naturedly, doing an awkward shuffle inside so as not to drop the ten or so bags he was juggling. “I went to the shops.”

“I can see that. Do you want some help?” Todd asked, throwing off the comforter and making a move to get out of bed.

“No, no, I’m fine!” Dirk said as three bags tumbled to the ground. “You stay right where you are, all snug and cozy. Ooh, would you like me to make you a cup of coffee?”

“Uh, that’s okay, you look like you’ve got your hands full.”

“Suit yourself,” Dirk said happily, balancing two bags on his knee.

Todd eyed him suspiciously. “You’re… cheerier than normal,” he said. “Why?”

Dirk dropped the rest of the bags and looked at Todd in disbelief. “Don’t you know what day it is?”

Todd blinked. “Thursday?”

“No!” Dirk exclaimed. “Well, technically, yes, but it’s so much more than Thursday, Todd.” Dirk gave him a meaningful look as he waited for him to clue in. Todd looked back at him long-sufferingly. Eventually, Dirk rolled his eyes. “It’s only the _first of December!_ ” he said. “Twenty-five days until Christmas, counting today, and we haven’t a moment to lose.”

“Oh. Dirk, I—”

“That’s why I bought these!” Dirk said, gesturing to the bags at his feet.

“Yeah, what are those, exactly?” 

Dirk bent over and bulldozed the bags across the floor to the bed, scooping them up in one go, and dropping them in Todd’s lap. 

“Chocolate advent calendars,” he said proudly as Todd removed one from a bag.

“Chocolate advent calendars?” Todd repeated. “Dirk, how many did you buy?”

“Fifty,” Dirk said casually. “One a day for each of us until Christmas.”

Todd stared at him. “Have you ever had an advent calendar before, Dirk?”

“No, not exactly, but—”

“So, when you bought these, you would’ve been unaware of the fact that one advent calendar is meant to last the whole month.”

Dirk made a face. “Well, that’s not nearly enough chocolate.”

“Right,” Todd said, pushing the advent calendars off himself. “Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I don’t need twenty-five advent calendars.”

Dirk shrugged. “Have it your way. More for me.”

“No—Dirk, you are not having two advent calendars a day until Christmas. I am not dealing with your month-long sugar high.”

“But, Todd, it’s—” At that moment, Todd’s words seemed to catch up with Dirk, and his brow wrinkled. “Hang on, you don’t want any? At all?”

“No, I’m really okay.”

Dirk’s brow furrowed even further as he tried to process this. He looked back at Todd. “Not even one?”

Todd sighed. “No, Dirk.”

“But why?” Dirk asked, nonplussed. “I even got dark chocolate ones for you because I know you like it, even though it makes me gag.” His eyes narrowed. “Actually, on second thought, perhaps I won’t eat yours. Ooh, do you think I could pawn them off on Farah?”

“Dirk, you’re getting off-track.”

“Sorry,” Dirk said, shaking his head to clear it. “I had four chocolate snowmen on the way here. Why don’t you want any of the awful, bitter squares of death I so lovingly bought you?”

Todd searched for a delicate way to put it, but he couldn't come up with one. “I just don’t like Christmas, okay?”

Dirk’s eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open with a gasp of outrage. “It most certainly is _not_ okay, Todd! How could you not like Christmas? _Everyone_ likes Christmas!” 

“Well, not everyone celebrates Christmas, actually—”

“A technicality.”

“What? No, it’s n—”

“Stop. Answer the question,” Dirk demanded.

“Why? Are you really that surprised?”

“Todd, I know you,” Dirk reminded him. “For all your doom and gloom exterior, you are, in actuality, an enormous teddy bear, and teddy bears are a classic Christmas gift, ergo—”

“It’s just not my thing,” Todd cut him off. “First of all, I’m not religious, plus it’s a totally commercial holiday. It’s all about buying expensive presents and seeing who can put the most outlandish decorations on their front lawn.”

“Wrong, it’s about tradition and spending time with the people you love. Making them happy.”

“Dirk, we already make each other happy,” Todd said with a half-smile. “We don’t need a dumb holiday to prove how much we love each other.”

Dirk visibly bit back a smirk. “You’re trying to distract me with sappiness, Todd, and it isn’t going to work.” He pulled out his phone and started dialling. 

“Wait,” Todd said, jumping out of bed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to call Amanda and ask her why you don’t like Christmas,” Dirk said.

Todd's heart stopped. This was bad. This was really, really fucking bad. “Don’t,” he said, making a desperate swipe at the phone.

“Well, if you’re telling the truth, she’ll corroborate,” Dirk said, raising the phone high above his head with his thumb poised over the call button. “Unless you’re not being entirely honest. Which would be silly, given that honesty is the bedrock upon which this relationship was formed.” He looked at Todd pointedly.

“Dirk, come on, please—”

“ _Why_ don’t you like Christmas, Todd?”

“Because I ruined it!” Todd exploded. 

Dirk looked at him, shocked. Todd slumped back down on the bed. He couldn't bring himself to look at Dirk, so he stared at his hands. Dirk sheepishly pocketed his phone, sat down beside him, and waited.

“It was my first Christmas pretending to have pararibulitis,” Todd eventually began. “The whole family had gotten together for dinner, like every year. My parents and Amanda were there, obviously, but also aunts and uncles and cousins from Oregon that we only ever saw over the holidays.”

“What happened?” Dirk asked softly.

“I faked an attack. A really bad one. I was stupid and paranoid, and I thought I had to prove to my family how sick I was, but all I did was scare the shit out of them and ruin their holiday. Now, every time I think about Christmas, I picture the horrified looks on their faces, and I just… I don't know.”

Todd hung his head dejectedly and reached over to the bedside table for his pill bottle, popping it open and taking a couple as a precaution. He felt Dirk’s eyes on him the whole time, but still he focused elsewhere, knowing he wouldn’t be able to handle whatever he saw on Dirk’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Dirk said at last. “I didn’t mean to make you…” He trailed off, letting out a defeated little huff of breath. Then, after a few quiet moments, he slipped a hand over Todd’s and squeezed it tightly. “Listen. We both know you’ve made some poor choices in your life, Todd. But you’re not that person anymore. You’re _better_. I see you, every day, trying to be better, and that means more than all the lies you’ve ever told put together.”

At this, Todd finally let himself look up. Dirk's eyes were solemn, filled with love and an unflinching support that Todd didn’t know if he deserved. It made him want to pull the comforter over his head and hide, if he were being honest. But he fought that impulse back, forcing himself to hold Dirk’s gaze and take in his words. He was overwhelmed by the flood of gratitude rushing over him, reminding him just how fortunate he was to have this man in his life. He was opening his mouth to express this when Dirk said, “Also, I refuse to have a boyfriend who doesn’t like Christmas, so we’re going to have to fix that.”

And there went the mood. “Wait, what?” Todd asked.

“I’m going to teach you to love Christmas again, Todd,” Dirk informed him. “I’ve decided.”

“Uh, how are you planning on doing that, exactly?”

“We’re going to celebrate the twelve days of Christmas,” Dirk said. “We’ll do every Christmassy thing we can possibly imagine for twelve days straight, and by the time Christmas actually rolls around, we’ll have replaced all your bad memories with good ones.”

“The first day of Christmas is the twenty-fifth, Dirk. The last day is in January.”

“Well, that’s anticlimactic,” Dirk pouted, thinking for a moment. “Doesn’t matter. We’ll do it backwards. We’ll start on the fourteenth, which gives me exactly two weeks to plan everything out.” Upon seeing the hesitant expression on Todd’s face, Dirk groaned and grabbed his hands. “Come _on_ , Todd, it’ll be like… exposure therapy! Only instead of trapping a claustrophobic in a box, I’m going to trap you under a spruce tree.”

“We always used to get fir trees, actually—” Todd began, cutting himself off when he saw Dirk’s ear-to-ear grin. “No, Dirk, wait, this is _not_ me saying yes!”

Dirk’s face fell. “Look, Todd, I didn't want to admit this,” he said, “but since we're being honest, I'm going to tell you the truth. I’ve never celebrated Christmas before.”

Todd frowned. “Wait, what?”

“I mean, perhaps I did when I was a very small child, but everything before Blackwing is a total blur, so it doesn’t count.” Dirk started picking at a loose thread on Todd’s comforter. “When I got out, I was in my late teens, and I was all alone. And there’s no point in Christmas unless you have someone to share it with.”

“That's why you've never had an advent calendar,” Todd realized. 

“Yes, but now I have _you_ ,” Dirk told him. “For the first time in my entire life, I have someone, and I thought this was finally going to be it. My first real Christmas with my first real boyfriend.” He shook his head with a sigh, letting his gaze fall to the ground. 

Todd couldn’t stand seeing Dirk like this, face painted with shame, body slouched in defeat. As much as he didn't want to invoke his ghosts of Christmas past, his desire not to let Dirk down was stronger. He took a deep breath. “Well, then I guess we’d better make it extra special,” he said, fully expecting to regret this in the very near future.

Dirk’s head shot up, his eyes opening to their fullest extent. “Does that mean you’ll do it?” he asked as though he hardly dared believe his ears.

Todd nodded reluctantly. Dirk squealed in delight, planting his lips firmly on Todd’s, practically knocking him backwards. Todd laughed, despite himself. 

“You are _not_ going to regret this,” Dirk enthused. “We’re going to have the best Christmas ever, and we’re going to fill your apartment with lights and scratchy sweaters and elves on shelves, and then Samta Claus will come and give us gifts, and—”

“Hold on, did you just say ‘Samta Claus’?”

“Yes, the ruddy-faced fat man who delivers presents! Jesus, Todd, how long has it been since your last Christmas?”

“And you… think he's real?”

“Well, of course!” Dirk chuckled. “Those stockings don't fill themselves!”

Todd opened his mouth to correct him, and then immediately shut it again. This was not the time to shatter childhood dreams. Instead, he grabbed one of his advent calendars, popped open the first five squares, and shoved a handful of dark chocolate into his mouth. 

Dirk beamed at him. “That's the spirit,” he said merrily, before something just past Todd's head caught his attention. He squinted. “Is that my sock on your lampshade?”

***

“Look, we both know Dirk has his quirks, but he can't honestly believe in Santa Claus.”

Todd put Farah on speaker and placed his phone on the counter so he could pour himself another cup of coffee. Dirk was gone already; after a very nutritious breakfast of advent calendar chocolate, he had excitedly bustled off to begin Christmas planning. Todd had taken advantage of his absence to call Farah.

“No, it makes sense,” he told her, getting a mug out from the cupboard. “I mean, he was really young when Blackwing took him the first time, and when he got out, he was way past the age where you find out that kind of thing. It probably just never came up.”

“Not once in the past sixteen years?” Farah asked. “Come on, Todd, you don’t find that hard to believe?”

Todd finished pouring his coffee and set the carafe down on the counter. “Farah, he called him ‘Samta Claus’. I don't think there's a limit to the gaps in his Christmas knowledge.”

“Oh, God. So what are you going to do?”

“I don't think I want to tell him,” Todd said, the realization hitting him as the words left his mouth. “He deserves to experience his first Christmas the way kids do, you know? I wanna be able to give that to him.”

“He's lucky to have you, Todd,” Farah said.

“No,” Todd said dismissively. “No, it's the other way around.”

When Farah didn’t respond to this, Todd remembered his other reason for calling. “Oh, Farah, also, if you talk to Amanda, would you mind not mentioning that Dirk and I are doing this Christmas thing?”

“Why not?”

“I just… I did something really shitty—”

“What did you do, Todd?” Farah interrogated, sounding almost threatening now.

“No, no, it was years ago,” Todd clarified. “It was part of that whole… thing, and— you know, I’d really rather not get into the details right now, but Amanda’s only just starting to let me back into her life, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.”

“Okay…”

“I’m— I’m gonna tell her, Farah,” Todd promised. “I just want to find the right way to do it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about or what it has to do with Christmas, but I won’t say a word.”

“Thanks.”

“And Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t let Dirk eat too much advent chocolate.”

“Wh— How did you—?”

“ _Goodbye,_ Todd. Have fun.”

He snorted. “Bye, Farah,” he said, hanging up. He slipped his phone into his back pocket and took a sip of his coffee. It was cold.


	2. December 14th

Two fairly uneventful weeks had passed since Todd had agreed to celebrate Christmas with Dirk. No actual cases to speak of, and Dirk sometimes went off on his own to plan out holiday-related things, but other than that, their days were spent as usual: meetings with Farah, pizza outings, the occasional cat rescue, and (Todd’s favorite) lazy evenings entwined on the couch.

That was soon to change.

On the morning of the fourteenth, Todd was jolted awake by an already-clothed Dirk leaping onto his bed. “It's our first day of Christmas!” he said, with far too much enthusiasm for that early in the morning.

“Mmm, I almost forgot,” Todd drawled sarcastically.

“You did not,” Dirk said, hitting him playfully on the shoulder.

“No, because you've only been talking about it non-stop for the past two weeks.”

“I think you're more excited than you're letting on, grumpy man,” Dirk teased.

The stony look on Todd’s face was weakened when the corner of his mouth tugged up. “So what's first on our list?”

“Todd, I'm thrilled you asked,” Dirk said. “On our first day of Christmas, we are going to be selecting a Christmas tree.” He grinned, dangerously close to jazz hands.

“Okay, that doesn’t sound too hard.”

“Not on the surface, but we need to find the _perfect tree_ ,” Dirk said emphatically. “I’ve done some very basic research on Seattle tree farms, but other than that, I think we should approach this the way we approach our cases.”

“What, is the universe supposed to guide us to the perfect tree?” Todd asked skeptically.

Dirk gave him a tolerant look. “We just have to feel it.”

“Right now, I just feel tired,” Todd said, reaching out his arms. “Come here, just for a minute—”

“Todd, please,” Dirk said, swatting him away and clambering out of the bed. “Get your coat on, we’re wasting daylight!”

“Wh— I’ve been awake for less than a minute!” Todd said, as Dirk began literally dragging him out of bed by the ankles. “Hold on, I need coffee, I need food—”

“We can get it on the road, let’s go!”

“Will you at least let me brush my teeth?” Todd asked, kicking Dirk off him before he landed on his ass.

“I won’t kiss you. Problem solved.”

Todd swung his legs out of bed and stood up. “I’m still in my pajamas, Dirk.”

Dirk cocked his head. “Todd, I’d like to point out that you’re bringing up countless problems, and I’m providing _nothing_ but solutions.” Todd shot him a leveled glare. “Alright,” Dirk conceded. “You have five minutes, and not a second more! I’ll go warm up the car.” He started out the door.

Todd was picking out clothes from the selection scattered across his floor when Dirk poked his head back in. “Oh, and Todd?”

“Yes, I’ll brush my teeth.”

“Good.” And he was gone.

***

Five minutes later, on the dot, Todd walked out the front door of his apartment. He’d heard the Christmas music blasting from the car the moment he hit the staircase, and if that wasn’t conspicuous enough, the man in the green peacoat and red scarf perched on the roof certainly was. Dirk waved at him as soon as he stepped outside, jumping off the roof and heading to the driver’s side.

“No,” Todd called out. Dirk sulkily threw the keys to him over the car, doubling back to the passenger door.

“You’ve got to let me drive at some point,” Dirk said once they were both seated inside.

“I really don’t,” Todd replied, starting the engine. “Okay, you’re navigating?”

“As always.”

“Then navigate us to a coffee shop.”

By the time “Jingle Bell Rock” had finished, they were pulling out of the drive-through (Todd with a large coffee and a bacon breakfast sandwich, Dirk with a large hot chocolate and a snowflake cookie), and on their way to a tree lot, aided by the GPS on Dirk’s phone. 

It was an objective fact that Dirk was better at navigating than he was at driving. Given his track record behind the wheel, however, that wasn’t saying much. He had a tendency to get distracted from the directions, causing them to completely miss turns and exits. Either that, or he wouldn’t give Todd a direction until it was far too late:

“Alright, in two hundred feet, you’ll want to take Exit 175.”

“I’m in the extreme left lane, Dirk!”

“Well, you’d better merge, then!”

Despite a few turnarounds, however, they eventually made it to their destination: a quaint, family-owned lot on a residential street with several rows of decently-sized trees. 

When Todd stepped out of the car, he was taken aback by the fragrant smell of fir. It was a little dizzying; it had been years since he’d smelled that much Christmas at once. In retrospect, maybe this hadn’t been the best choice for their first day. Maybe they should’ve started smaller, or… Or maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to this whole Christmas thing in the first place. It was a huge undertaking. A lot of unnecessary pressure. Maybe it wasn’t too late to call it off, suggest they wait a year. That would give him twelve months to come up with next year’s excuse. 

Todd was about to ask if they could get back in the car and go home, but he stopped short at the sight of Dirk. His eyes were sparkling with wonder, and his smile was far too broad for his face. He inhaled deeply.

“Do you smell that, Todd?”

“Yeah,” Todd said weakly.

“I’ve never seen so many Christmas trees in one place,” Dirk said, glancing over joyfully. He did a double take when he saw Todd’s face. “Are you alright?”

Todd wrestled with the gnawing feeling in his stomach. He certainly didn’t feel alright. They’d barely begun their first day, and he was already working himself into a panic. But looking at Dirk, he knew he couldn’t cop out now. He couldn’t disappoint him. So he took a steadying breath and tried to pull himself together. “I’m fine,” he said, holding out his hand. Dirk took it, giving him a soft smile, and they headed onto the lot, gloved fingers intertwined.

In spite of Dirk’s claims that they had to “feel their way to the perfect tree”, a part of Todd had still hoped the day would be pretty straightforward. Ideally, they’d go to one tree lot, maybe two, and spend a few minutes looking around until Dirk found something that was to his satisfaction, and they'd be home in time for lunch. This was not the case. Dirk ended up dragging him on a roundabout route through their first lot, occasionally stopping and giving a sideways glance to some tree or other before shaking his head and continuing on his path. After they’d been at this for a while, he turned to Todd.

“This isn’t the right lot,” he said. “We won't find our tree here.”

“Really?” Todd asked. “I see a ton of really nice ones.”

“Yes, I’m sure they’d all be perfectly lovely in _someone’s_ apartment,” Dirk told him. “But not in ours.” Todd shot him a startled look. “Er, yours, rather,” he clarified. “Right, so, it’s settled! On to our next destination. Let’s go, Todd!”

Bewildered, Todd followed him.

The next lot they went to was attached to a Home Depot, and it was a bit bigger. They hadn't even parked before Dirk said, “Wrong. Next.” And off they went again.

Dirk ended up navigating them to seven different lots in total. They spent an average of forty-five minutes at each one, not to mention the time it took to drive between them, so by the time they reached their final destination (a secluded tree farm in the middle of nowhere, lit up by strings of golden bulbs), it was getting dark, and Todd was losing feeling in his extremities. 

After about twenty minutes of scrutinizing trees at this lot, Dirk stopped and frowned, his lips pressed in a firm line. “This isn't _right_ ,” he said, not for the first time that day, though he sounded significantly more frustrated now. “None of these are our tree.”

“I mean, does it have to be perfect?” Todd asked, hugging his arms to stop himself from shivering. “Can we not settle on— Look, right here, this is a great tree,” he said, gesturing to one right beside him. “It's got full branches, no gaps, it's a good size, we can—”

All of a sudden, Dirk's expression changed. He held up a hand to silence Todd, his eyes narrowing almost to slits. Todd knew the signs. Dirk was having a hunch. He watched curiously as Dirk focused on something only he could see. Todd never tired of these short glimpses into how these nudges from the universe worked. He knew for a fact that he could spend an entire lifetime with this man and still have countless unanswered questions, still be surprised by him on a daily basis. He was thinking that he wouldn’t be opposed to this idea when, without warning, Dirk took off at a clipped pace. “This way!” he called over his shoulder, and Todd sprinted to keep up with him. 

He followed as Dirk wound his way through the lot, eventually finding a hidden route that led behind the owner’s shed.

“Are we allowed back here?” Todd asked, tripping over a shallow hole in the ground.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dirk said breathlessly. “Look.”

Propped against the back wall of the shed were three trees, and Dirk was pointing to the one smack dab in the middle. The ones on either side of it were nothing to sniff at, but they seemed puny in comparison to the monstrosity between them. It was larger than any Christmas tree Todd had ever had, with long, full branches, and a thick, sturdy trunk. He gaped at it.

“Is that…?”

“That’s our tree,” Dirk confirmed, starry-eyed.

“It’s fucking huge,” Todd said. “How are we supposed to get it on the car, let alone into the apartment?”

“We’ll find a way, Todd,” Dirk assured him. “I promise you, that’s our tree.”

“Alright,” Todd gave in. “But if I break my back helping you pick it up, you’re carrying me _and_ the tree to the car by yourself.”

“Not a problem. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m quite butch.”

It was by some miracle of the universe (and a great deal of help from the tree lot owner) that they managed to wrestle the tree onto the car. Getting it into the apartment, however, was a different story. It took about half an hour, five branch-slaps to the face, and approximately one hundred and seven swear words, not to mention the fact that the Ridgely looked like a fir tree murder scene by the time they were done. But in the end, Dirk and Todd stood in the middle of Todd’s apartment holding the tree upright. The tip of it _just_ brushed Todd’s ceiling.

“See, Todd?” Dirk said smugly. “I told you we’d make it work.”

Todd tried to peer around the tree at Dirk, but the most he could see was his left ear. “Yeah, good for us,” he said. “Where’s the tree stand?”

Dirk was silent for a moment. “Hmm?” he asked.

“The tree stand,” Todd repeated. “To… stand the tree in. You know, so we don’t have to stay here holding it for the next two weeks?”

Dirk huffed out a breath. “Nuts,” he said. “I knew I was forgetting something.”


	3. December 15th

Todd woke at around noon the next day. As he opened his eyes, he realized not only that he and Dirk were still fully dressed, but they hadn’t even made it below the covers the night before. A drowsy groan passed his lips, and he put a hand on Dirk’s head, which was resting peacefully on his chest. Dirk stirred, languidly stretching against him like a cat. Todd was just about to say good morning when he noticed something towering over him in his periphery and practically jumped out of his skin, causing Dirk to bolt upright.

“S’happening?” Dirk slurred, his hair askew.

Todd exhaled, and put a reassuring hand on Dirk’s back. “Nothing, nothing,” he said. “I’m just not used to having that tree in here yet.”

The night before, after Dirk’s little oversight, Todd had left Dirk on tree duty while he dashed out to buy a stand. Upon arriving home with it, however, it had soon become clear that once their monster-tree was actually _inside_ the stand, it would be too tall for the apartment. Todd had seen his dad take a bow saw to trees in the past, but his toolbox was unfortunately not that well-stocked, so he and Dirk had ended up taking turns cutting off the bottom of their tree with Todd’s sharpest chef’s knife. By the time they had gotten the freshly-cut tree inside the stand (somehow with all of their fingers still intact), and cleaned up the resulting mess, they’d been so tuckered out that they’d collapsed onto the bed in an exhausted heap and promptly fallen asleep.

“Mmph.” Dirk slumped back down onto Todd’s chest. “You startled me. I was dreaming about horses with human heads, and I thought one might have infiltrated the apartment.” He reached a hand across Todd and clumsily felt around for the alarm clock on the nightstand, grabbing it to check the time. “Just as well,” he said. “It’s already noon, and we have decorating to do.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Mmm,” Dirk hummed. “Extreme Makeover: Holiday Edition.”

Todd looked at Dirk uncertainly. “Am I going to recognize this place by the end of the day?”

“Not to worry, Todd,” Dirk said. “What I have planned is festive, yet tasteful. A bit of the traditional, but with a refreshing twist.”

“You're making my apartment sound like a mixed drink.”

“Oh, hush, darling,” Dirk said, putting a finger over Todd's lips. “You'll love it.”

Todd pushed Dirk's hand away affectionately and sat up. “Well, I don't know about you,” he began, “but what I'd love right now is to get out of these day-old clothes.” He shot Dirk a suggestive look and headed for the bathroom, knowing that he wouldn't be too far behind.

If one thing was true about Dirk and Todd, it was that they cared very deeply about the conservation of water. So naturally, they showered together. This concept sort of fell apart when you considered that they spent longer showering together than they would've separately, but it was the thought that counted. The moment Todd turned the water off, however, Dirk was back to business. He had no sooner wrapped a towel around his waist than he was scurrying off to his own apartment, presumably to put on clean clothes and get whatever decorations they needed.

Sure enough, when he burst through Todd’s door a few minutes later, hair still dark and slick from the water, damp towel slung over his shoulder, he was carrying an extremely heavy-looking box. He struggled inside with it, making it all the way to the tree before he let it clatter unceremoniously to the ground. Todd approached it as Dirk went to hang his towel back up.

“What is _in_ there?” Todd asked.

“Lots,” Dirk said as he returned from the bathroom, falling to his knees in front of the box and ripping it open. 

Lots was right. Todd had no clue where Dirk had sourced all this stuff from, but the box was chock-full of decorations, some clearly holiday-related, some only if you squinted. It was the cardboard equivalent of Mary Poppins’ bag; they sat on the floor unpacking it, and every time Todd thought it must be approaching empty, Dirk would lift up another piece of tissue paper to reveal an entirely new layer of trinkets.

Once they had emptied most of the box, Todd took a cursory look at everything and decided that hanging felt snowflakes in the windows would be an easy place to start. In the meantime, Dirk busied himself by setting up Christmas scenes on every available surface. Todd watched out of the corner of his eye as Dirk laid a large, glittery snow blanket over the table and covered it in figurines that had clearly not been bought in any sort of set. Small plastic Santas were placed next to woven reindeer. Stuffed elves were propped up with wooden gnomes. It looked like Jesus might have been building a snowman. And interspersed between all these figures were bunches of fringed paper cone trees of every color imaginable, and Yule logs with candles in them, which seemed like a fire hazard and made Todd decidedly nervous. 

When Dirk was satisfied with his work, he started putting wreaths up (on both sides of the front and bathroom doors, and all over the walls), and Todd picked up a long string of lights and began hanging them around the apartment. After he'd been at this for a while, however, it struck him. Maybe it was the lights, or maybe it was the saccharine Christmas playlist Dirk had put on, but suddenly a sickly shadow was cast over the entire endeavour, and Todd couldn’t bring himself to move. For a few rotten moments, he felt like a complete fake, and he was fighting the impulse to tear all the decorations down and throw the damn tree out the window when Dirk appeared behind him. He wrapped his arms around Todd's waist and buried his face in his hair, telling him without words that he was there, that he was grateful, and that he loved him. Just like that, the feeling dissipated.

In this way, slowly but surely, the apartment was transformed into a bizarre holiday hodge-podge. Todd took things one step at a time, he and Dirk somehow finding a place for every decoration until all they had to do was decorate the tree. They began going through the trimmings together.

Dirk seemed to have collected ornaments that Todd was fairly certain he’d never seen on any Christmas tree ever; they hung clocks of varying shapes and sizes, dozens of plastic animals (kittens, corgis, sharks, gorillas, and giraffes, among others) and, inexplicably, a glass pickle. And then there was your classic Christmas fare: gaudy, brightly-colored baubles, tinsel and Christmas lights, candy-canes, and perhaps Todd's favorite, tiny framed pictures of him and Dirk. 

The two of them decorated the tree in comfortable silence, Dirk’s Christmas playlist having graduated by now to slower, more peaceful songs. They put up ornament after ornament, covering the tree from top to bottom all the way around. Occasionally, Dirk would make a minor adjustment to something Todd had hung up, so as to space everything out appropriately. Todd let him do it without argument; he couldn’t even pretend to be mad when Dirk was so adorably concentrated, with his brow furrowed and his tongue poking out the side of his mouth. Finally, it was time for the tree topper. Dirk rummaged in the box for a moment (probably for dramatic effect, seeing as it was otherwise empty) and turned around to face Todd. He was holding an L-bracket, and an Edison bulb. Todd laughed. He wouldn’t have expected anything else.

“Will you do this with me?” Dirk asked solemnly.

Todd grabbed a couple of chairs from the kitchen table and placed them at the base of the tree. In unison, they stepped up onto them, Todd’s hand on Dirk’s as they placed the light bulb on top of the tree. Todd deftly attached the L-bracket to hold it in place, and then they stepped back down, Dirk gazing up at the tree serenely.

“Well, don’t get all sentimental yet,” Todd told him. “The lights aren’t even on.”

Dirk gave him an astonished look. He’d obviously forgotten about this step. “Right, you’re on room lights, I’m on tree lights,” he said, pointing Todd to his designated switch as he hurried over to his own. “We’ll do it on three. One, two, _three_.”

They flipped their respective switches, and Dirk gasped in awe. The sun had set by this point, so the entire apartment was now illuminated in warm primary colors.

“What about the bulb?” Todd asked.

“Oh, right!” Dirk said bashfully, stepping back up on one of the chairs. “It’s battery-operated.”

He reached up to push the switch on the Edison bulb, and it lit up, lending a lovely, incandescent glow to the room. Dirk jumped to the ground and strode to the dead center of the apartment, slowly spinning in a circle to admire their work.

“What do you think?” he asked.

Todd put the chairs back, and then walked over to join him, taking everything in. He looked around at all the discrepant decorations, the unconventional ornaments, the glittering lights. He couldn't deny the absurd magic of it all.

“It’s very… us,” he said.

“Exactly,” Dirk concurred, eyes shimmering as he took Todd’s hand. “It’s perfect.”

The only thing in the apartment that came close to matching the brightness of the lights was Dirk’s smile.


	4. December 19th

The next few days went off without a hitch. Each morning, Dirk would wake Todd up slightly too early and inundate him with Christmas-related activities. Todd would grumble and grouse, but eventually end up enjoying himself, and after a full day of holiday cheer, they’d go to bed spent, only to begin the cycle over again the next morning.

They spent their third day making gingerbread houses (Todd’s was more of a run-down gingerbread shack, while Dirk somehow created a gingerbread mansion, but they both tasted equally as good). 

Their fourth day involved shopping for Christmas sweaters. They wound up with matching acrylic hoodies. Todd's had the body of an elf giving a thumbs-up on the front, and pointy ears on the hood, his face effectively replacing the elf’s. Dirk’s had Santa’s portly torso on the front, along with a pom-pom on the hood, and a neck beard on the collar. Both garments were horrendous.

On their fifth day, they put on their hoodies and had a Christmas movie marathon. They sat on Todd's couch all day, raptly watching movie after movie, not getting up except to go to the bathroom, get more snacks, and reload the DVD player. They watched movies with Christmas in the title (White Christmas, A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas, and The Nightmare Before Christmas, among others), old classics (Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which Dirk seemed to particularly identify with), and newer releases (Love Actually and Home Alone, though Dirk had to fight for the latter because Macaulay Culkin had always rubbed Todd the wrong way). Todd thought this might have been his favorite day so far, aside from the one they had spent decorating. He’d forgotten how much he loved some of these movies, and there was no place he would rather have watched them than by Dirk’s side. The only annoying thing was that, every time a character like Scrooge or the Grinch came on, Dirk would grab his leg and say, “Look, Todd, it’s you!” or “You never told me you were in this movie!” Thankfully, Todd was able to get his revenge many times over when they watched Elf.

Todd woke up on the sixth day when he sensed an abnormal amount of white light filtering through his closed lids. He opened his eyes to find snow flurrying outside. A lot of it. He blinked a couple of times to make sure he wasn't still dreaming. This was practically unheard of in Seattle.

“Isn't it beautiful?” came Dirk’s voice from across the room. Todd lifted his head to see him leaning against the counter with a bowl of cereal. He spooned some into his mouth and gazed dreamily out the window. “You can just _feel_ the hush,” he crunched.

Todd squinted at him. “Dirk, have you… seen snow before?”

“Yes, Todd,” Dirk said sardonically. “Surprisingly, despite my stunted childhood and adolescence, I have experienced weather.”

“Right. Sorry, that was a stupid question.”

Dirk grinned wryly at him. “It’s snowing, so you're forgiven.”

“This is kinda insane, actually,” Todd said, getting out of bed and padding over to the window. “It must be two feet deep already. I feel like we haven’t had this much snow in, like, a decade.”

“Then we should take advantage of it,” Dirk said firmly, walking over to the sink and carefully placing his cereal bowl on top of the Leaning Tower of Dishes.

“Yeah? What’s our plan for today?” Todd asked.

Dirk came over to join him at the window. “Well, we were supposed to go to the Holiday Bazaar, but I doubt we’re going anywhere in this weather. Besides, I think I’ve just had a better idea.”

A short while later, Dirk and Todd were bundled up in their winter gear, heading across the street. When they reached the edge of the park, Dirk stopped short. Not too many people were outside yet, so the snow was still relatively untouched, stretching out in front of them like a crisp, sparkling blanket. 

“I almost don’t want to step on it,” Dirk said in a small voice.

“Oh, well, if that’s all that’s stopping you,” Todd responded, giving him a light shove. It was meant to be a joking reference to that relationship-defining moment when Dirk had pushed him through his own apartment window all those months ago, but Dirk’s knees must have been locked, because the force of it tipped him over, causing him to face-plant into the snow. 

“Shit, are you okay?” Todd asked, making a truly valiant effort not to laugh as he dropped to his knees and put a hand on Dirk’s shoulder.

Dirk remained prostrate, though it sounded like he was murmuring something into the snow. Todd lowered his head a little, turning an ear to him. “What did you say?” he asked.

Without moving anything but his arm, Dirk grabbed a smattering of snow and slammed it straight into Todd’s forehead. “I _said_ ,” he repeated boldly as he stood up, “it is _on_.”

Todd looked at Dirk the way an avalanche victim might have looked at the offending mountainside: stunned, and with a face full of snow. Then his eyes narrowed. “Oh, you’re going down,” he said. He swiftly packed a snowball together and scrambled to his feet, lopping it at Dirk, who made an indignant noise and tossed one right back at him.

Todd hadn’t had a snowball fight in a while, but he’d certainly partaken in his fair share over the years, so his tactics were strong. He packed several tight snowballs and tucked them in the crook of his arm, whipping them at Dirk, one after the other. Dirk, on the other hand, was inexperienced, and lent himself more to guerilla-style warfare. After receiving three snowballs to the face in the span of about six seconds, he emitted a wild battle cry and ran at Todd, spreading his arms wide and dragging them through the snow, collecting an armful that he flung at Todd before retreating to hide behind a tree.

Todd took a moment to recover from the attack, and then bent down to the ground, quickly building two perfect snowballs. He stalked over to the tree, rounding it in time to see Dirk unsnapping the hood from his coat and hastily filling it with snow. When he noticed Todd, he straightened himself up against the tree, holding the hood threateningly above his head. 

Poised with a snowball in each hand, Todd allowed himself a moment to take in the sight of Dirk. His cheeks and nose were red from the cold, his eyes were shining brightly, and he had snow all over him: flakes in his hair, which was sticking up every which way, powder dusting his shoulders, and microscopic crystals caught in his eyelashes. He looked magnificent. Todd dropped one of the snowballs, put a hand on his cheek, and kissed him. Dirk squeaked, though Todd wasn’t sure if it was because of the kiss, or the remaining snow on Todd’s gloved hand. He got his answer when he felt a miniature blizzard come down on his head. He pulled away, opening his eyes to find that Dirk had emptied the hood on him and was now smirking.

“Motherf—” Todd began, his neck stinging from the cold as clumps of snow fell down his collar. He yanked the waistband of Dirk’s pants towards him with one hand, and shoved the remaining snowball down them with the other. The high-pitched noise that Dirk made was incredibly satisfying, his uncomfortable wriggling even more so. Todd doubled over cackling.

“Oh, yes, I’m sure this is hilarious for you,” Dirk complained, shaking his legs out. “Meanwhile, my bollocks are developing frostbite.”

“Do you want me to warm them up for you?” Todd asked coyly. When this earned him a scowl, he said, “Come on, Dirk, you dumped snow all over my head!”

“And you shoved it down my trousers. That seems like a logical leap.”

“You started it,” he accused. 

“I did not!” Dirk said petulantly. “You pushed me into the snow!”

“Yeah, accidentally!” Todd argued. 

“Alright, alright,” Dirk said, stretching out his hand. “I’m sorry, Todd. Truce?”

Todd considered Dirk’s hand for a few moments, and then warily took it and gave it a shake. “Truce,” he said, just before he was yanked sharply to the ground, landing with a heavy “Oof”. Now Dirk was giggling. “That was fair,” Todd conceded, making no move to get up.

“More than,” Dirk agreed, flopping down beside him. “Plus now we can make snow angels.”

Over the next couple of hours, the parents and kids that came to the park couldn’t stop staring at the two grown men playing in the snow. For whatever reason, Todd couldn’t find it in himself to care.


	5. December 20th

It was their seventh day of Christmas, and Todd had forgotten what it was like to have surfaces in his apartment. He stood helplessly in the middle of his floor, looking around at the festive dump he now lived in. Dirk’s decorations sprawled over every table, countertop and shelf, so there was nowhere to put… anything, really. Not to mention the fact that Dirk had kept him so busy over the past week that he hadn't had any time for upkeep (not that he’d been winning any medals for upkeep in the first place, but the apartment usually looked a far sight better than it did now). 

The sink was past overflowing, and there were pizza boxes and half-eaten advent calendars littering the ground. Everywhere Todd looked, there was something that didn’t belong: empty gingerbread house packaging, discarded shopping bags, sopping wet winter clothes flung over furniture. It was pushing noon, and Todd hadn’t seen Dirk all morning, so he decided the dishes were a good place to start.

It took him about an hour, but he eventually dried his last plate, and then moved on to picking up around the rest of the apartment. He had just collected several plastic bags and placed them in the cupboard below the sink when he heard the door fly open. Dirk marched into the kitchen, triumphantly unbagged two bottles of eggnog, and slammed them on the counter. Todd’s whole body tensed as he imagined a flood of glass shards and eggnog spilling to the ground on top of the shopping bags that Dirk had now dropped. He let out an extremely labored breath. 

“Good afternoon, Todd!” Dirk said energetically.

“Hey,” Todd replied. “Do you think we could not use my floor as one giant trash heap?”

“Todd, please, it’s just a couple of shopping bags.”

“Right,” Todd said, deciding to shelve the topic for now. “What’s all this?”

“Excellent question,” Dirk enthused. “I have something very special planned for today. We’re going to snuggle up by the fire and drink eggnog.” Todd stared at him, waiting for him to finish. Finally, Dirk said, “That’s it.”

“Oh, that’s it?”

“Yes. Though if you were to spike the eggnog with a bit of rum, I wouldn’t complain.” 

“I don’t have a fireplace, Dirk.”

“The thought had occurred,” Dirk confessed, walking into the living room. “But you do have a television,” he continued, picking up Todd’s remote, “and that television has…” He pressed a button on the remote proudly, and a dull crackling noise began emanating from the TV. “...the fireplace channel.” Dirk gave a jubilant laugh, bouncing once on his heels as he gestured showily at the burning logs on the screen. 

Todd smiled. “Good thinking.”

“Right? And if we move your space heater in front of the TV, it’ll feel just like we’re in front of a real fire.”

“Okay, so we’re just going to… do nothing. All day.”

“Effectively, yes,” Dirk confirmed. “As you’ve pointed out, this is a religious holiday. Apparently, on the seventh day, God rested, and so should we.”

That was good enough reason for Todd, so he went to pour them their drinks while Dirk set up the space heater.

“Do you want whipped cream in yours?” he called from the kitchen.

“Is that even a question?”

“Okay. Cinnamon?”

“Erm,” Dirk hesitated. “None for me, thanks. Not a fan.”

Todd returned to the living room with their drinks, putting the eggnog, whipped cream, and rum on the coffee table so they wouldn’t have to move too far for refills, and then they sat on the couch with their mugs, Todd with his back against the armrest and legs across Dirk’s lap, Dirk with a hand resting on Todd’s thigh.

The hours crept by, which was just as well for Todd, because he could have stayed in this pocket of time with Dirk forever. They drank up the eggnog, and the delicious feeling of being close to one another, Todd getting a little warmer and a little sleepier with each mug he poured for himself. Dirk seemed to be getting sluggish too. He gave Todd a fond, if rather glazed, look. His eyes were all crinkly around the sides, and Todd felt overwhelmingly full, but not of eggnog. Though he _was_ beginning to lose track of how much they’d had to drink.

“How many glasses’ve we had?” Todd slurred.

Dirk snorted loudly. 

“What?” Todd asked.

“They’re… they’re mugs, Todd,” Dirk told him, beginning to snicker.

His laughter was addictive, and Todd found himself shaking with it. “Okay, okay, so, how many mugs, then?” he amended.

“Mmm. Don’t remember.”

Todd sighed, letting his head loll to the left. “Youuuuuu suck. No, you don’t. I love you.”

Dirk closed his eyes and smiled, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “Oh, yay,” he breathed softly.

Todd’s toes were getting chilly, so he drew them in and stuck them between Dirk’s legs. 

Dirk made a face, eyes still shut. “Are you using my legs to warm up your feet?” he asked in mock offense.

“What, is it bothering you? You’re wearing pants.”

“True,” he acknowledged, turning to look at Todd and raising his eyebrows invitingly. “I don’t have to be, though.”

Todd felt a grin spread across his face like butter. He reached out to take Dirk’s mug from him, and leaned over to place it on the coffee table, along with his own. Then he wrapped his arms around Dirk’s neck and kissed him. Dirk responded at once, working his mouth intently against Todd’s as his hands went to his back, keeping him steady. Todd was distantly aware of one of them faintly humming, but he couldn’t tell who it was. Just as he was beginning to feel like he needed more, Dirk pulled away, letting go of Todd’s back so he could grab his ankles and draw him down the couch into a horizontal position. As Dirk climbed on top of him, Todd was convinced that nobody had ever felt as in love as he did right then. He knew without a doubt that this moment could last for eternity, and he’d never stop feeling this way. If the afterlife existed, he thought as Dirk recaptured his mouth, this was how he would want to spend it. Just the two of them, holding each other for the rest of time.


	6. December 21st

“So how come you never told me you could sing?” Todd asked Dirk slyly as he hung up his coat.

Their eighth day had been spent caroling door-to-door. Well, door-to-door wasn’t exactly accurate; in reality, Dirk had randomly dragged Todd from house to house, often only going to one per street before dashing several blocks to find the next. Each house had apparently provided some sort of hint from the universe, however, because at their last stop of the day, they had ended up inadvertently locating a missing Picasso that had disappeared from the Seattle Art Museum the week before. During all this, Todd had learned that Dirk possessed a stunning singing voice, although he clearly hadn’t learned the tunes to any of the songs in their repertoire, and had made them up as he’d gone along.

“Sorry?” Dirk asked, though Todd knew he’d heard him properly.

“You have a really nice voice,” he said, allowing Dirk to fish for the compliment. “Why didn’t I know that?”

Dirk shrugged, pulling a face to try and hide his self-satisfied smile. “It doesn’t come up often in detective work. How come _you_ never told me you could sing?”

Todd stared at him. “I was the lead singer of a band. Of course I can sing.”

“And you're humble, too,” Dirk teased. “I like that. Very frontman. We’ll have to duet together more often, Todd.”

“Yeah, sure,” Todd mumbled, flustered by how abruptly hot his cheeks had gotten.

Dirk clearly noticed, because his eyes glinted. As he took off his scarf and jacket, however, his expression became significantly more serious. He looked up at Todd calculatingly. 

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” he began.

Todd’s stomach dropped. A sentence that started that way didn’t usually portend good things, especially not when accompanied by a facial expression like that. He held his breath as Dirk continued.

“This may seem odd coming from me,” he hedged, “and I very much hope you’re not disappointed, but… I don’t want you to get me any Christmas presents.”

Oh, was that all? Todd let out a sigh of relief. Then he realized what Dirk was saying. “Wait, what? Why?”

“I know, I know,” Dirk said, wringing his hands as he walked over to Todd. “But we’re so busy with all the festivities, plus you have enough to worry about at the moment, and I just... I don’t want you to experience any undue pressure trying to think of the perfect gift for me. Samta will be filling our stockings, so it’s not like we’ll be going empty-handed.” As he said this, he slid his fingers between Todd’s. “And besides, you agreeing to this whole thing is already the best gift you could possibly have given me.” 

Todd pressed his lips together. He’d known from the start that he would be filling Dirk’s stocking himself, so he was basically about to lie to Dirk’s face. But of all the lies he’d told, he thought he could forgive himself for this one. 

“Okay,” he agreed, squeezing Dirk’s hands. “I won’t get you anything. But if we’re doing this, we’re doing this for real. You’re not getting me anything either.”

“What, really?”

“Yeah. There’s nothing I want that I don’t already have.”

A tiny smile crept across Dirk’s face. “Then it’s decided,” he said, letting go of Todd’s hands. “No gifts. Case closed, not to be re-opened until next Christmas.” He swiped the air with finality. Then his eyes went very wide, and he began to stutter. “I mean, assuming there is a next Christmas. That is to say— not in general, obviously! I meant for us. Universe willing!” He laughed nervously. “A-and you and I willing, too, of course. I mean, I know _I’ll_ be willing, but— Not that—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,” Todd interrupted, soothingly placing his hands on Dirk’s shoulders. “Don’t freak yourself out. Everything’s fine. We’re good.”

Dirk exhaled, still looking a little petrified. “Right. Sorry.”

That was when Todd remembered something Dirk had said earlier, and he frowned, removing his hands. “Hey, what did you mean before when you said I have enough to worry about?”

A wave of realization washed over Dirk’s face, and he held up an explanatory finger. “Oh. Yes. That’s the other thing.”

“What other thing?”

“We’re doing Secret Samta.”

Todd cocked his head in bewilderment. “But you just said—”

“No, not you and me,” Dirk elaborated. “We’re going to be exchanging gifts with Farah, and… and Amanda.”

Todd paled. “Wh— Did you— Did you talk to her?”

Dirk reached into Todd’s pocket, took out his cell phone, and placed it in Todd’s hand. “No, that’s your job.” And with that, he kissed him softly on the cheek, grabbed his jacket and scarf, and tactfully left the apartment.

Todd stood there for far longer than he needed to. Then he began to pace back and forth across his floor, slapping his phone repeatedly into his palm. He looked at himself in the mirror and tried to act out a conversation a few times, but he always gave up after “Hey, Amanda”. He sat down on the couch and rubbed his hands over his knees for a while. But he couldn’t keep his legs still, so he got up again and continued wearing down the plywood. Ultimately, he worked himself up so much that he went ahead and punched Amanda’s number into his phone in a fit of frustration. As soon as it began to ring, however, he remembered why he was calling, panicked, and hung up. Only that was worse, because now she’d know he called, so he immediately re-dialed, half hoping it would go straight to voicemail. He wasn’t that lucky. After a suspenseful moment or two, her voice crackled into existence.

“Hey, loser, did you just try to call me?” she asked. 

Todd could hear the Rowdies whooping in the background, undoubtedly causing some type of chaos.

“Amanda. Hey.” Great improvement. “Yeah, I, uh… sorry, I don’t— the phone must’ve—”

“Hold on, I can’t hear you. The boys are too loud.” Todd heard the swish of her walking for about thirty seconds, the din in the background fading away until it was nothing more than a buzz. “What were you saying?”

“So,” he began. “Okay. So. I haven’t told you this yet, but Dirk and I have been doing this thing.”

Amanda chuckled. “Yeah, it’s called—”

“No, no, not that,” Todd said, blushing for the second time that night. “You obviously already know about— No. It’s, uh… So Dirk came home, like, three weeks ago with all these shopping bags, and—”

“Uh-huh,” Amanda said flatly. “You know, this sounds like a cool story, but I’m kinda in the middle of something, so…”

“Wait, no, I can— Okay, look, just… hear me out for a second, okay?” He waited. Amanda said nothing, so he forged on. “Dirk and I are celebrating Christmas. We’re doing this whole Christmas… thing, and he’s planned it all out, and it was completely his idea. Not that— I mean, I agreed to it, because I wanted to do it. For him. He’s never had a real Christmas, and I wanted to give that to him. And none of this has been easy, but I’ve been trying to find the right way to tell you, because ever since that one Christmas where I fucked everything up, this time of year just makes me think about what a selfish asshole I am, and… Look, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, and I’m not trying to get you to pity me. But I am trying to get you to maybe come over and have Christmas dinner with me, Dirk and Farah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I would… really love it if you were there. And Dirk wants to do Secret Santa, so… yeah.”

The silence on the other end stretched on for so long that Todd thought Amanda might have hung up halfway through his speech. He was looking at his screen to make sure the call hadn’t ended when he distantly heard her say, “Alright, whatever, dude, I’ll be there.”

Todd couldn’t believe it. He whipped the phone back to his ear. “Really? Oh my god, are you serious?” he asked her, his voice cracking a bit on the last word.

“Yeah, don’t make a big deal out of it.”

He clenched a fist, dangerously close to crowing with delight. “Thank you. Amanda, thank you.”

“Seriously, quit it,” she told him. “You’re freaking me out.”

“Sure,” he said quickly. “Sorry.”

“And I’m not just coming for you,” she clarified. “I’m coming for Dirk and Farah, too.”

“Right. Of course.”

“By the way, Secret Santa usually works a lot better when there’s more than four people.”

“Yeah, I’m… not going to tell him.”

“Good call.”

There was a pause. “So, my place on the 25th? Around five?”

“Cool,” Amanda agreed. “Tell Dirk I say hi.”

“I will. Tell… the Rowdy 3 I say hi?”

“They won’t care.”

“Okay.”

“Alright. Later, jack-ass.”

“Bye, Amanda.”

He hung up, collapsing in a relieved heap on his couch. A high-pitched laugh escaped him. Amanda was coming. She was _coming_. 

Jesus. He’d better not fuck this up.


	7. December 22nd

There were three days until Christmas, and the Springsborough Shopping Center was teeming with frenzied adults, sullen teenagers, and screaming children. Todd and Dirk wended their way through the sea of people with much difficulty, Todd trying to breathe through his impending irritability. He was accustomed to being in the middle of crowds at concerts and mosh pits, but this was an entirely different sort of beast. This was pure, unfiltered, mall-wide anxiety. This was hundreds of people sharing the fear that they would pick out the wrong gift, and consequently be banished from their family or possibly broken up with. Part of Todd wished he and Dirk had done their shopping earlier so they could have avoided this particular circle of hell, but then the past week-and-a-bit wouldn’t have been the same, so he suffered in silence.

Dirk was considerably more chipper. He was the opposite of Todd in the sense that concert crowds and mosh pits made him panic, but shopping malls during the holidays didn’t seem to faze him. Go figure.

“Last-minute shopping is high on the list of things I haven’t missed about Christmas,” Todd told him as they passed a shrill mother telling her crying child he’d get a lump of coal if he didn’t behave.

“You’re overlooking the beauty of it, Todd,” Dirk projected over a blaring rendition of “All I Want for Christmas is You”.

“How do you figure? Everyone’s a mess, and it looks like the Rockefeller tree, a sleigh, and a million elves all threw up in here.”

“Well, yes, the decorations are horrid,” Dirk admitted. “But the rest of it is like… the storm before the calm, if you will,” he explained, making a grand gesture to their surroundings. “Everyone here is hustling and bustling and getting themselves in a proper tizzy, but three days from now, they’ll all be snug and happy under the tree with their loved ones. Or by the… candelabra,” he added uncertainly as they passed a Hanukkah window display.

“I think it’s called a menorah,” Todd said. “And I’m pretty sure Hanukkah and Christmas don’t always happen at the same time.”

“Ah, right you are,” Dirk replied. Then he turned and gave Todd a contemplative look. “You know, when I first met you, I thought you might have been Jewish.”

“What, because my last name is Brotzman? That’s a German name, Dirk.”

“I know!” Dirk said defensively. “And I’m no expert in onomastics, so I ended up Googling it. I also Googled Jewish surnames, though, and I’ll have you know that one of them was Bronfman, so I was only two letters off.”

Todd rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth quirking up as he took Dirk’s hand in his, in part so they wouldn’t get separated in the crush, but mostly just to take it.

“So,” he asked. “Where to first?”

That morning, Dirk had written Amanda and Farah’s names on two separate scraps of paper and placed them in Todd’s winter hat for them to draw from. Dirk had picked Amanda’s name, leaving Todd with Farah’s, and now they were at the mall to pick out some suitable gifts (within the $25 price range they’d all agreed upon). Todd was honestly grateful to have picked Farah’s name; Amanda had never been overly sentimental, and he was worried any gift he gave her might come across as too cloying, given the current strain on their relationship. He was sure Dirk would find her the perfect gift.

Their first stop of the day ended up being a Hot Topic, which was normally a store Todd wouldn’t be caught dead in, but Dirk was adamant about checking it out, so Todd figured he might as well look at the Game of Thrones vinyl figures. Once inside, this idea instantly fell through, as he realized he didn’t know who Farah’s favorite character was, and he certainly didn’t want to guess. Dirk ended up deciding that nothing in the store was “quite punk enough” for Amanda anyway, so they moved on.

After more trial and error, they happened upon a store that claimed to have a selection of over 10,000 posters. Todd remembered something Farah had mentioned to him once and, on an impulse, dragged Dirk inside. Unfortunately, after spending far too much time rifling through the store’s collection (and eventually asking an employee as a last resort), he came to the conclusion that there were no posters of Pam Grier to be found there. He retrieved Dirk in the music section, deliberating between a poster of The Ramones and one of The Clash.

“Hey, Dirk?”

“Mmm?”

“That’s a really nice idea, but remember how Amanda lives in a van?”

“Oh. Good point.”

They continued on, browsing store after store, but neither of them found anything that seemed quite right. They were about to set foot in a novelty gift shop when Dirk stopped in his tracks.

“Dirk?” Todd asked. He didn't budge. “Are you okay?”

Dirk wrinkled his brow and started slowly walking backwards. “Fine, Todd, I’m just… going to go over here a moment,” he said, jerking his thumb to the side. When Todd took a concerned step towards him, Dirk held up a hand. “Not to worry, you go ahead and continue on your… gift quest. Don’t wait up.”

“O-okay, I’ll just… Will you text me where to meet you when you’re ready to go?”

Dirk was already hurrying away at this point, but he held up a finger over his shoulder to indicate that he’d heard him. 

Todd shrugged and turned to enter the shop. And that’s when he saw it. A little ways in, just conspicuous enough to draw his attention, a mannequin was wearing a white shirt with a shark’s head on it that was bursting from the water and baring its teeth. It had fancy script across the chest that read “Don’t Tell Me to Smile”. Todd approached it and laughed out loud, both at the thought of Farah opening it, and of her actually wearing it. It was weirdly perfect, and he knew he’d found the right gift. Stress alleviated, he picked out a size medium, just to be safe. 

Then, Farah taken care of, Todd realized that Dirk leaving had been a huge stroke of luck. Or maybe not luck, but… something. For days, he’d been wracking his brain on how he could silently slip away for long enough to get Dirk's stocking stuffers, and now Dirk or the universe or _whatever_ had given him the opening he needed. He did a leisurely turnaround, surveying the shop’s assortment of goods. He smiled. He could definitely work with this.

***

Within half an hour, Dirk texted Todd to meet him at the TGI Friday’s at the front of the mall, so he headed over, tightly clutching a Christmas-colored paper shopping bag. The bag itself was on the larger side, and it was jam-packed with things Todd had bought not only at the novelty shop, but at a couple of adjacent shops as well. He was pretty pleased with his haul, but he hoped Dirk didn’t ask too many questions about what was inside. He had no idea how he’d go about explaining it to him.

Todd managed to shove his way to their designated meeting spot without angering too many people. When he got there, Dirk hadn’t arrived yet, and the crowd was too dense for someone of Todd’s stature to see through, so he stepped up on a nearby poinsettia planter to keep watch. After a couple of minutes, he spotted a telltale flash of bright green heading towards him. He held up a hand so Dirk could see him, and then quickly returned it to the bag to grip it closed, stepping down to the ground. Dirk cheerfully skipped up to him with what looked like a shoebox in his arms, pecked him on the cheek, and then noticed what Todd was holding.

“Ooh, what did you get Farah?” he asked, carefully shifting the shoebox to one hand and reaching towards Todd’s bag with the other. “Can I see?”

“No! No, it’s—” Todd blurted, causing Dirk to recoil and look at him strangely. “It’s a, uh… it’s a surprise. In Secret Santa, all the gifts are supposed to be secret until you open them.”

Dirk frowned. “Todd, we were looking in the same shops all day.”

“Yeah,” Todd squeaked, trying so hard to play it cool. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, and if I’d found something for Farah in any of those places, I would’ve hidden it from you, and bought it… secretly.”

“You literally asked me if you should buy her scented candles in that Bath and Body Works.”

“Because I was joking!” This could not have been going worse. “Can you imagine Farah with scented candles?”

Dirk stuck his lower lip out nonchalantly. “Dunno, I can see it. She deserves to unwind.”

Just then, the box Dirk was holding emitted a faint whine. Todd did a double take. 

“Dirk, what the hell is in there?” he asked.

Dirk’s eyes grew large, his face lighting up with vindication. “A- _ha_!” he cried, jabbing a finger at him. “Now _you’re_ trying to figure out what _my_ gift is, you Machiavellian man, Todd. Well, it won’t work. You won’t know what’s in this box until Amanda opens it on Christmas.”

Todd eyed the box suspiciously as it gave a small snuffle. “Okay,” he allowed, because he was eager to change the subject. “So are you ready to go home then? Or did you wanna, like, sit on Santa’s lap first or something?”

Upon hearing this (albeit sarcastic) question, Dirk seemed to let the previous subject go, thank god. “No, of course not,” he chuckled, waving a dismissive hand at Todd. “We’ll be doing that tomorrow. Wouldn’t want to jump the gun.”

Todd’s mouth fell open a bit. “You… you’re serious. The plan for tomorrow is… sitting on Santa’s lap.”

“Yes.”

“And we’re coming back to the mall to do this.”

“Yes.”

“Even though we’re at the mall right now.”

“It’s _tomorrow’s_ plan, Todd,” Dirk insisted. “It has to happen _tomorrow_.”

Todd sighed heavily. “Alright, then let’s go home. If I’m gonna brave this nightmare again tomorrow, I’m gonna need to de-stress for as long as possible tonight.”

“You should have bought one of those scented candles.”

Todd shot him a look, but Dirk was beaming at him with the sort of twinkle in his eye that tended to make Todd feel like his heart was on the outside of his body. He couldn’t take Dirk’s hand and keep his shopping bag closed at the same time, so as they walked out of the mall, he gave Dirk a gentle nudge with his shoulder. Whatever was in Dirk's box bumped persistently against the lid.


	8. December 23rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you with emetophobia, you might want to stop reading at the paragraph that begins "At that moment" and start again at "Todd, who had instinctively plugged his ears". Stay safe, my lovelies!

Sure enough, the very next day, Todd found himself in line to see Santa Claus with Dirk. The din in the mall had reached a fever pitch at this point, but maybe that was because they were queued up with dozens of children who were either bouncing off the walls or screaming in abject terror. 

Dirk wasn’t quite bouncing off the walls, but he was certainly bouncing on his heels, probably at the thought of meeting “Samta”. The novelty was slightly lost on Todd, but then again, he and Dirk were the only people in line above the age of twelve who didn’t have a child with them. He just hoped that the man in the suit did a convincing job. From where Todd was standing, he looked alright, but he’d seen enough crabby Craigslist Santas in his time to know that it was a crap-shoot. 

Either way, there wasn’t much he could do about it, so he changed tactics and started staring down a couple of shit-disturbing teenagers who were loitering a bit too close to the line for his liking. They looked like the type who might want to ruin a child’s (or grown man’s) day by yelling that Santa wasn’t real, and Todd wasn’t about to let that happen. He eyed them menacingly until they slunk away.

Dirk, meanwhile, was well on his way to making friends with the little girl in front of them.

“So what are you asking for this Christmas?” he inquired.

“Lego Star Wars,” said the girl, squirming shyly. “And a baby brother.”

“Wow!” he exclaimed, kneeling down to speak to her at eye-level. “That's quite a tall order, but I'm sure Samta can pull it off for you.”

“Samta?” the girl repeated with a giggle. She looked up at Todd with a big grin full of missing teeth. “Your boyfriend’s silly.”

Todd was trying to formulate some sort of coherent response when the girl's mother glared at them and jerked her daughter close to her side. Dirk stood back up, looking a shade offended.

“I don’t think that mother liked me very much,” he said out of the corner of his mouth.

“Don’t worry about it, parents are weird,” Todd said, internally cursing the mother for doing anything to ruin Dirk’s mood, and trying to think of a way to distract him. He settled on the obvious. “So can you believe that’s really him?”

Dirk smiled perplexedly. “Really who?” 

“Are you kidding?” Todd said emphatically. “Santa Claus, dude! I mean, there he is, in the flesh!” He cringed a little. Usually he was better at lying than this. He must’ve been out of practice.

Dirk gave Todd an odd look. “Yes, Todd,” he said, sounding a touch forced. “That’s him, alright. _So_ exciting. Would you come over here a minute, please?”

He asked the man with the twin sons behind him if he’d save their place in line, and then tugged Todd over to the side. 

“What?” Todd asked.

“Todd, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not the real Samta,” Dirk said in a low voice.

Todd stared at him, unsure where this was going. “You… What?” 

“Samta is busy at the North Pole, preparing for Christmas!” Dirk told him. “I’m sorry, I assumed you knew. This is just a rotund, bearded man in a costume, the likes of which you’d find at practically every mall in the country.” 

“Oh,” Todd said. “Yeah, I knew that. I just… didn’t know if _you_ knew that.”

Dirk smiled at him sympathetically. “Of course, Todd.”

Todd was at a loss. So basically they were two thirty-somethings waiting in line to see a man who they both knew was just playing dress-up. And now Dirk thought Todd believed in Mall Santas. Seemed like a logical sequence of events. He didn’t know why he was surprised, honestly. But it did bring up an interesting question. 

“If this isn’t the real Santa, what are you planning on saying to him?” Todd asked.

Dirk blinked at him. “You know, I actually hadn’t thought about it.” His expression shifted then, and he narrowed his eyes. “But I feel like it’s not going to be an issue,” he said slowly.

At that moment, they heard a horrific heaving sound. They looked up to see Santa absolutely green in the face, his cheeks ballooning out as he covered his mouth in what looked like an attempt to keep from vomiting. His elf hurriedly whisked away the disoriented child who had been on his lap, and then raced back to stand the woozy Santa up and usher him out of the area.

Kids all around them began asking their parents what was going on. A few of them started emitting ear-piercing wails. Todd turned to look at Dirk, who was watching the events with a keen eye.

“Dirk, did you—”

“Hold on,” Dirk interjected.

The elf had just come back, holding a microphone and looking apologetic. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. The crowd watched intently as his eyes filled with dread and his face completely drained of color. Suddenly, his whole body surged and he made a wet retching noise (into the microphone, unfortunately). He threw a hand over his mouth and ran off, dropping the mic on the ground. Everyone cried out and covered their ears as the deafening feedback echoed through the loudspeakers.

Todd, who had instinctively plugged his ears as soon as the elf had let go of the microphone, took his hands away and gripped Dirk’s forearm. “Dirk, what the hell—”

“Hold _on_ , Todd,” Dirk repeated.

By that time, a mall employee had rushed over and picked up the discarded microphone, positioning herself in front of the distraught assembly.

“Hi, everyone!” she said in a perky tone. “We’re very sorry, but Santa is going to have to call it a day now. Nothing to worry about, he just needs a bit of rest so he can regain the energy necessary to deliver all of your presents on Christmas Eve.” She smiled broadly amidst the whines of disappointed children. “Also,” she added, “on an unrelated note, you might want to avoid the sushi restaurant in the food court. Again, we’re sorry for the inconvenience!”

Before she could so much as turn off her microphone, Dirk bolted up and grabbed it from her. “Nobody move!” he cried into it.

Parents stopped and gaped at him. Children froze mid-scream. The mall employee’s eyes bulged.

“You can all get back in line,” he directed them. “It’s alright, everyone, I’m a detective.”

Todd ran up to him and took the microphone from his hand, turning it off. “What are you—”

“Just trust me,” Dirk hissed, turning to the mall employee as the crowd began to buzz.

“Hello,” Dirk greeted her, glancing down at her nametag, “Linda. My name is Dirk Gently. I’m a holistic detective, and this is my assisboyfriend, Todd.”

“O...kay?” Linda chirped, her smile faltering just a tad.

“I volunteer to be your Samta Claus,” Dirk declared. He pushed Todd forward. “And he’s your elf.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Dirk and Todd were inside an empty storeroom, changing into some fresh costumes that Linda had pulled out for them.

“I can't believe you volunteered us for this,” Todd grumbled, yanking a pair of stripey stockings up his legs.

“Think of the children, Todd,” Dirk reminded him, adjusting his beard. “They were counting on seeing Samta, and now they're going to. I _knew_ we had to come here today. I'm telling you, this is why!”

“Yeah, well,” Todd said, shoving his feet into pointy-toed green shoes with bells on the ends, “you're more than welcome to think about the children. I'm starting to think about eating some of that food court sushi.”

Dirk tutted at him. “Grumpy,” he admonished. “Come here, your suspenders are twisted.”

Todd sighed, stomping over to Dirk, who speedily untwisted the suspenders, and then snapped one of them lightly against Todd's chest.

“Ow!” Todd complained.

“Oh, relax, it didn't hurt.”

“Yeah, it did, you—”

Dirk snapped the other suspender, not as lightly this time.

“Dirk!”

“Get over yourself,” Dirk said firmly. “There are worse things than dressing up with your boyfriend for the enjoyment of children. Now smile.”

Todd gave Dirk a withering look, and then smiled at him with dead eyes.

“Better,” Dirk said. “Still horrible, but better.” He spun Todd around by the shoulders and pushed him towards the door, giving him a sharp smack on the ass when he didn't move any farther. “Come on, let's go!”

“Jesus, okay,” Todd said, shuffling out into the mall, red-cheeked in both senses of the word. “I don’t think this is how Santa treats his elves, by the way.”

“His elves aren’t this stubborn,” Dirk said under his breath before puffing out his non-existent belly and waddling over to the throng of people waiting in front of Santa’s workshop. “Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum!” he called out. “‘Tis I, Samta Claus, here to serve your various and sundry Christmas needs!”

Heads swung in their direction, and the crowd watched dumbfoundedly as Dirk swaggered over to them. He was absolutely swimming in his red suit, beard askew, and looking pleased as punch. Todd, on the other hand, felt perhaps more ridiculous than he ever had in his life. As Dirk settled into Santa’s chair, Todd took his place beside him, trying not to meet anyone’s eye.

“Ask and ye shall receive!” Dirk went on, arms outstretched. “My elf... Toddrick, over here, will escort each of you to me posthaste, so that I may hearken to your Christmas desires. Don’t be fooled by his ornery countenance; it’s all part of his charm.” He shot Todd a wink before looking back at the crowd and giving his lap a sharp pat. “Right, who’s first?” 

For a few cringe-worthy moments, there was absolutely no response. Everyone just stood there with their mouths open, parents clinging possessively to their kids, kids looking warily at this string-bean Santa. Dirk scanned the crowd with hopeful eyes, waiting for the first child to come forward. When it became painfully clear that none would, he started awkwardly drumming a little beat onto the plush of his oversized red pants. The letdown was visibly beginning to slip through the cracks in his wide grin, and on the list of things Todd wasn’t going to allow that day, this was near the top. He took a small step forward.

“Anyone?” he called out. Silence. “Seriously? Nobody’s gonna come up?”

He felt a nylon glove try to pull him backwards. “Todd, it’s fine,” Dirk said quietly.

“No, it’s not!” Todd objected, stepping out of Dirk’s reach. He addressed the crowd. “You all came here to see Santa Claus, right?” A murmur of assent. “Well, here he is!” Todd said, gesturing vehemently at Dirk. “Yeah, he looks a little different than he did a minute ago, but… that’s because he threw up a ton of sushi. Okay? Santa’s not immune to food poisoning.”

“Todd,” Dirk said. “You’re sort of… getting off-track.”

“Listen,” Todd continued. “This guy cares more about Christmas than anyone you’ll ever meet, and you’ve got him at your disposal right now. So, parents, let go of your kids for, like, two seconds. And kids, come up and tell Santa what you want, because he’s one of maybe three people in the world that gives a shit.”

Again, nobody moved. Todd was just starting to think he might have blown it when the girl Dirk had spoken to earlier wormed her way out of her mother’s grasp and blessedly ran up to them, flinging herself onto Dirk’s lap. 

Todd threw his hands up at the crowd. “See? Not that hard.” He walked back over to Dirk, who was looking at him with an ineffable expression on his face. 

The girl tugged at Dirk’s beard to get his attention. He turned his gaze to her. “I know exactly what you want,” he said kindly. “Lego Star Wars and a baby brother.”

The girl gave him a toothless grin and reached up to his ear. “I remember you from before,” she whispered.

Dirk inclined his head with a slow blink. “Well, that’ll just be our little secret, won’t it?” he said softly, giving her hair a gentle ruffle. “Toddrick, be a dear and fetch the young lady a candy-cane.”

Todd rummaged in the gift bag beside Dirk’s chair and emerged with a candy-cane, which he offered to the girl. She directed her grin at him then. Bouncing off of Dirk’s lap to grab the candy-cane, she hugged Todd tightly around the knees before scampering back to her mother. He looked after her for a moment, feeling slightly warmer than he had before.

“Is your cold, elfin heart beginning to thaw?” Dirk asked him teasingly.

“Shut up,” Todd retorted. He turned back to the crowd. “Okay, who’s next?”

Before Todd had even finished speaking, the twin boys from behind them in line were shoving their way forward. All the parents seemed to be loosening up after observing Dirk with the little girl, and in this way, one by one, Dirk saw to every child there, radiating pure joy the entire time.

Some kids climbed onto his lap themselves, and some had to be lifted up by Todd. Some kids asked for world peace, and some asked for Play-Doh. Some of the younger kids wrapped their arms around Dirk’s neck or played with his already-lopsided beard. But each of them left with an enormous smile on their face, and a candy-cane or two in their hands. The whole experience left Todd with two lasting impressions: tights were exceedingly uncomfortable, and Dirk was really great with kids. Both were good things to know.

When the last child had crawled off of Dirk’s lap, and Santa’s workshop was finally closed for the day, Linda tip-toed up to them.

“Hi, fellas!” she sang. “Wow, that was certainly… interesting!”

Dirk, practically glowing, threw himself at her and began vigorously shaking her hand. “Thank you _so_ much for accepting our help, Linda. Those were the _loveliest_ children, and I had just the _best_ time.”

“Oh, no, I should really be thanking you,” she said, gingerly taking her hand back. “We were in a pretty tight spot back there, and you boys really helped us out. You wouldn’t happen to be free tomorrow, would you?”

Dirk shot a triumphant look at Todd. “Unfortunately, Toddrick and I have rather pressing Christmas Eve plans,” he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, offering it to her. “But if you ever notice an acceleration of strangeness in your life, please don’t hesitate to reach out.”

Linda tentatively took the business card, and Dirk gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder. They left her staring perplexedly at it as they headed back to their changing area.

They had been walking in silence for a few seconds when Dirk chuckled to himself. Todd turned to see him sporting a roguish grin. 

“What?” Todd asked.

Dirk quickly feigned indifference. “Oh, nothing,” he shrugged.

Todd scowled at him. “ _What?”_ he repeated.

And just like that, the grin was back. “Well, it’s just… that wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asked in a smug voice.

“No,” Todd admitted begrudgingly. “I gotta say, you have a knack for making the worst experiences weirdly tolerable.”

“Or maybe your worst experiences are never quite as bad as you think.”

“Maybe,” Todd said dismissively. “Whatever. Did you actually put business cards in your Santa suit?”

Dirk confirmed this by reaching into his pocket and pulling out a handful more. “You never know when one might come in handy,” he said defensively. “And, hey, I was right!”

“Yeah, I’m sure Linda is being abducted by aliens as we speak,” Todd said as they re-entered the storeroom. “Make sure your phone’s on, she could call any second.”

“Go ahead and laugh, but you’ve been witness to far stranger things,” Dirk pointed out, coming to a stop in the middle of the room and beginning to pull off his nylon gloves, one finger at a time.

“I don’t know, this suit might take the cake,” Todd said, reaching out to jostle Dirk’s ill-fitting belt for effect.

Dirk gave him a sidelong glance. “Toddrick,” he said mischievously. “Do you particularly... _like_ this suit?”

Todd couldn’t help but laugh. “Hell no,” he answered. “Not even close. No, I’d rather see you in something that actually fits. And I’m not too crazy about the curly white beard, either. You’ll have to give me about thirty years to prepare for that one.” He took a couple of steps back and began unbuckling his tunic as a tiny smile played on Dirk’s lips.

“Deal,” Dirk said, almost inaudibly.

“Oh, and Dirk?” Todd added. 

“Yes?”

“If you call me Toddrick one more time, I’m not sleeping with you for the rest of the year.”

Dirk sputtered out a laugh. “Now, _that’s_ a bluff if ever I’ve heard one,” he said. “Fine. How do you feel about Mrs. Claus?”


	9. December 24th

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and Todd was hard-core stressing. Up to this point, he had sort of just assumed that everything would work out. That through some combination of holiday magic and universe juice, all the cogs would fall into place, and he’d be able to give Dirk the Christmas he deserved. But the deadline was fast approaching, and as each minute ticked past, Todd was realizing that he might not be able to pull off his plan. Especially since Dirk was now hoping to stay up all night and wait for Santa.

“Ooh, we mustn’t forget to leave out carrots for the reindeer,” Dirk said from the kitchen, where he was preparing a truly staggering plate of cookies. 

Todd sat back on his heels. He was in the process of hanging up their stockings from the knobs on his dresser. “Our family never used to do that,” Todd said. “Is that a thing?”

“Yes, it’s a thing!” Dirk said, as though he were offended on behalf of the reindeer. “They have to fly all around the world lugging an already dangerously obese man who’s going to be scarfing down milk and cookies all night. They’re going to need the energy.”

“Fair enough,” Todd said absentmindedly, as most of his focus was on how he could possibly fill Dirk’s stocking that night. “Hey, you know, if you stay up waiting for Santa, you’ll be exhausted all day tomorrow.”

“I highly doubt that, Todd,” Dirk said. “I’ll be too full of Christmas spirit.”

“Okay,” Todd said, pinching the bridge of his nose. So much for that idea. “So you don’t think it’ll, like… ruin the magic, or...?”

“What, seeing Samta?” Dirk asked amazedly. “Of course not! Children all over the world try to stay awake to meet him, that’s half the fun! Most of them end up succumbing to the tempting tendrils of sleep, but we are _not_ going to fall into that trap, Todd. We’re going to stay up until we see that jolly man come down the chimney.”

“I don’t have a chimney, Dirk.”

“Through the door, then. Or window. Or whatever.”

“Isn’t that kinda interfering with his process, though?” Todd tried. “I mean, I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t get to all the houses on his list.”

Dirk paused his cookie-plating to give Todd a pointed look. “It’s not like we’re asking him to join our bridge team,” he said. “Todd, is there a reason you don’t want to meet Samta tonight?”

Todd considered this. He could lie and say that he was worried he’d still be on Santa’s naughty list after everything he’d done in the past. He could tell the truth and say that nobody was meeting Santa tonight because he wasn’t real. Or, the third and best option, he could do neither of those things. 

“No,” he said disgruntledly.

Dirk smiled and gave one sharp nod, seemingly satisfied. “Good,” he said. “Then come over here and help me with this platter. Is it too presumptuous to include digestives?”

Todd gave up on trying to get the stockings to hang symmetrically, and went into the kitchen to lend a hand. 

Dirk hadn’t known which type of cookie Santa liked best when he’d gone to the store that day, so he’d come home with chocolate chip, snickerdoodle, shortbread, gingerbread, and several other kinds, all of which were currently vying for space on the largest plate Todd owned. After careful deliberation, they determined it was acceptable to include digestives, so Dirk added a few to the mix while Todd poured a glass of milk.

Finally, Dirk grabbed a twist-tied bag of baby carrots from the crisper, took a clean bowl from the cupboard, and began counting carrots for each of the reindeer. Todd had since begun thinking about the possibility of somehow sedating Dirk for long enough to fill his stocking, so he didn’t tune in to what Dirk was saying until he was about halfway through.

“...Gromit, Stupid, Connor, Schnitzel, and… the drunk one,” Dirk said gleefully, dropping his ninth and last carrot into the bowl.

Todd gave his head a shake to clear it. “Dirk, those aren’t— Wait, the drunk one?”

“Yes, what’s his name again?”

Todd floundered for a second before saying, “Rudolph?”

“That’s the one,” Dirk said, snapping his fingers.

“Rudolph isn’t drunk, Dirk.”

Dirk frowned. “Is that not why he’s got a red nose?”

“No, he—” Todd stammered. “Dirk, we literally watched this movie less than a week ago, how—? I thought you loved the whole misfit-toy, celebrate-what-makes-you-different… thing.”

“I did!” Dirk insisted. “I just assumed what made him different was that he liked a drink.”

There were a million things Todd could have said, but none of them even began to address this situation, so he shook his head again and walked into the living room. “I want to have a serious conversation with your Christmas informant,” he muttered, collapsing onto the couch.

He’d been seated for about a second before Dirk flopped down next to him, tucking his feet up and laying his head on Todd’s shoulder. Despite the pressure he was under, Todd allowed himself to be comforted by Dirk’s proximity. That was one thing he never wanted to take for granted.

“I can’t believe Christmas is tomorrow,” Dirk breathed, his words tickling Todd’s neck.

“Yeah,” Todd said. “The month has gone by pretty quick.”

Dirk hummed his agreement. “You know what they say about time flying.”

Todd smiled. He wasn’t wrong.

Dirk placed a tender hand on Todd’s chest. “You know why this Christmas has been so perfect?” he asked.

Todd tried not to wince at the potential future irony of this question. “Don't get ahead of yourself, we haven’t even—”

“It's because of you, Todd,” Dirk interrupted him. 

Todd blinked. 

“I meant it when I said you agreeing to do this was the best gift you could have given me,” Dirk went on. “If I'd done all the same things with anyone else, it wouldn't have meant nearly as much. And if you and I had just sat like bumps on a log all month, it still would've been the best Christmas ever. It was perfect because I spent it with you.”

Dirk nestled further into Todd’s neck, which was probably a good thing, because Todd wasn’t exactly sure what his face was doing. Probably something embarrassingly reflective of how moved he was. He was starting to get the feeling that everything might work out now, even if things didn’t go exactly the way he’d planned. Leave it to Dirk to say the exact right thing to reassure him without even knowing it. Todd kind of wanted to play it off, though, so he said, “Shit, we could’ve sat on our asses this whole time, and you would’ve been just as happy? Now you tell me.”

Dirk laughed and gave Todd’s chest a feeble slap. “Oh, enough, Mr. Defense Mechanism, you know exactly what I mean.” He looked around them in a self-satisfied manner. “We’ve really done a bang-up job, though, haven’t we? The milk and cookies are out—”

“And carrots.”

“—and carrots, the stockings are hung, and our tree looks tremendous.”

“Yeah,” Todd said. “Not bad for your first Christmas.”

“Not bad at all,” Dirk agreed.

Todd was feeling so relieved and cozy next to Dirk that he almost missed it, but at that moment, Dirk yawned. Todd’s eyes grew large. This was a good sign. This was the literal best sign. Todd could not have asked for a better sign. He remained still and waited for a couple of minutes, fingers metaphorically crossed, and sure enough, Dirk yawned again, even wider this time. 

“Tired?” Todd asked casually.

“No,” Dirk said far too quickly. 

“You sure?” Todd interrogated.

“Yes,” Dirk insisted, stifling another yawn.

“Because you can take a nap if you want,” Todd offered. “I can stand guard and wake you up if anything happens.”

Dirk gave Todd a suspicious look, his jaw trembling as he held back another yawn. “What happens if you fall asleep?”

“What, in the next twenty minutes?” Todd said dubiously. “There’s no way.”

Dirk narrowed his eyes, not fully convinced.

“Look,” Todd compromised. “If I get too tired, I’ll wake you up, and you can take the next shift.”

Dirk looked at Todd a little defeatedly as he mulled it over. In the end, he took a deep breath. “Well, I suppose a cat nap wouldn’t hurt.”

Thank. Fuck. “Great,” Todd said, spreading a blanket over Dirk, and then gently laying him backwards on the couch. “Go ahead and close your eyes. I’ll be right here, on the lookout.”

Dirk gave Todd a crooked smile. “Thanks, Todd,” he said. “I’ll be right here, resting.”

“I have no doubt.”

Dirk shut his eyes, and Todd watched him closely until his face went slack in the way faces do once the brain behind them has turned off for the night. To be safe, Todd waited a couple of extra minutes before he delicately stood up and tip-toed his way across the apartment. He grabbed Dirk’s stocking stuffers from under his bed, where he’d hid them a couple of days before, and then crept over to where he’d hung the stockings, making sure he didn’t rustle the shopping bag too loudly, or step on any creaky floorboards. 

Todd had seen the stockings for the first time that morning, when Dirk had brought them over from his apartment. Todd’s was red and green knit argyle, with his name embroidered in white writing on the top. It suited him. Dirk’s suited him, as well. It was patterned with red and green zig zags, and had fluffy pom poms all the way around the brim. His name was written on it in what looked like red glitter glue. Todd knelt in front of it and got to work.

He started with a milk chocolate orange in the toe, just like his parents always had. After that, he put in a set of brightly-colored, pineapple-shaped glass markers (it’s not like they ever mixed up their drinking glasses, but he knew Dirk would flip over them), a pair of socks with necktie-wearing corgis on them, pastel pencils with inspirational sayings (if the light blue one saying ‘Trust the Universe’ hadn’t sold him, the yellow one that read ‘Perfectly Posh’ certainly had), a pack of condoms wrapped in pepperoni pizza packaging and stacked in a tiny pizza box, a game that was literally called Exploding Kittens (he had no idea what kind of game it was, as he’d bought it for its title alone), and a mug that had a face on it, the mouth of which was a hole where you could store cookies for dunking. He also threw in a few fun, holiday-themed scratch-and-wins, and a ton more candy and chocolate.

Through some Christmas miracle, Dirk stayed sound asleep the entire time. When Todd had finished, he rejoiced silently, and turned back to join him on the couch. That was when he caught a glimpse of the massive cookie plate still waiting on the kitchen counter. Shit.

He stood on the spot for a few seconds, glaring at the plate as if he could will it to empty itself. Then he padded into the kitchen to glare at it up close. Despite these rock-solid tactics, it still looked utterly unmanageable. Todd sighed. He couldn’t half-ass this. Dirk had to believe Santa had really been there. He took a couple of seconds to mentally prepare himself, and then began indiscriminately cramming cookies into his mouth. 

Todd ate and ate and ate, shoveling cookie after cookie down his throat, occasionally throwing a carrot into the mix to shake things up. His jaw began to cramp, and his stomach hurt, but still he persisted. He ate until nothing was left on that plate but crumbs and regret. Then he downed the milk in one go, wiping the white mustache off his top lip as he stifled a burp. Feeling sick, he shuffled over to the couch and sat down beside Dirk, careful not to disturb him as he dragged a corner of the blanket over his own lap.

Todd knew Dirk would be disappointed that he hadn’t woken him up, but he’d deal with that in the light of Christmas morning. As he began to drift off, stocking and stomach both stuffed, he was overcome by a heady sense of accomplishment. Some things work out a bit differently than expected, he realized with a smile. And some things just work out.


	10. December 25th

“Todd, wake up!”

The first thing Todd heard the next morning was Dirk’s voice, alert and insistent. And the first thing he felt was Dirk’s hand violently jostling him back and forth.

Todd opened his eyes, the daylight making him squint at Dirk on the couch beside him. “I’m awake, I’m awake,” he mumbled.

In response, Dirk gave Todd a sharp whack on the shoulder.

“Ow!” Todd cried. “What was that for?”

“You fell asleep last night!” Dirk exclaimed. “Samta came, and we missed him! Ugh, I _knew_ I shouldn’t have taken that nap! Stupid Dirk, always falling asleep and missing Samta Claus!”

Todd, who had been expecting this, faked some Grade A disappointment. “Shit, Dirk, I’m sorry,” he said. “But hey, he came! That’s great, right?”

Dirk clearly tried so very hard to maintain his haughty expression, but in the end, his excitement won out, and a big grin broke onto his face. 

“He’s got to have the world’s most enormous appetite because the cookies are _all gone_ ,” he gushed, grabbing Todd’s hands and pulling him over to the stockings. “And it looks like he’s completely filled my— Hang on, something’s wrong.” 

Todd’s stomach plummeted. “What?” he asked.

Dirk let go of Todd’s hands and turned to face the stockings, glancing between them.

“This… This can’t be right,” Dirk said confusedly. “My stocking is bursting, and yours is completely empty!”

Damn it. Todd had been so preoccupied with filling Dirk’s stocking, he’d completely forgot to complete the illusion and fill his own. He shrugged in an effort to minimize the situation. 

“Oh, I don’t care,” he said. “I’m probably still on probation or something. Hey, at least I didn’t get a lump of coal!”

Dirk gave him a troubled look.

“Honestly, Dirk,” Todd continued, putting his hands on Dirk’s shoulders. “It’s fine. I’ve opened tons of stockings. Today is about you.”

“It most certainly is _not_ fine, Todd!” Dirk protested. “This is a hideous oversight, and I don’t know what Samta was thinking!” His face hardened in resolve, and he began pacing determinedly around the apartment. “I won’t stand for this. We are going to… riot in the streets! And write strongly-worded letters. I demand justice from Samta Claus, and I won’t so much as look at my stocking until he apologizes and rectifies the situation.”

Todd sighed. This was going so downhill. “Dirk,” he began.

“If anyone deserves a jam-packed stocking, it’s you, Todd.”

“Dirk…”

“And to think that oaf enjoyed our cookie platter.”

“Dirk! I filled your stocking.”

Dirk stopped in his tracks. He turned to Todd, shock written all over his face. “You… What?”

“Santa isn’t real,” Todd said resignedly. “That’s just something parents tell their kids. Amanda and I learned the truth when we were, like, twelve. When I found out you still believed in him, I thought, ‘Awesome! I can give Dirk a magical Christmas just like kids have.’ So I played along all month, and I ate the cookies, which were excessive, by the way, and I filled your stocking. But I didn’t even think about filling mine, and now you’re all upset, so... I guess I fucked everything up anyway.” He huffed out a breath. “Also, his name is Santa Claus. _San_ -ta, like… with an ‘n’.”

Dirk stared at Todd in astonishment. He opened his mouth, only to close it again, speechless. Then he slowly approached his stocking and put his hands around it, feeling its breadth. He turned back to Todd.

“So… this was all you?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Todd said.

Dirk walked over to him, wrapped his arms around Todd’s neck, and brushed their lips together. Todd was taken aback for a second, but then he melted into it, his hands landing on Dirk’s waist and sliding up his back as Dirk angled his head to deepen the kiss. 

When Dirk finally pulled away (which he took his sweet time in doing), he said, “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

Todd gazed up at him. “Really?”

“Mmm,” Dirk confirmed. “Only now I feel foolish. We agreed on no gifts, and I don’t have anything to give you.”

“That’s not true, Dirk,” Todd told him. “You let me enjoy Christmas for the first time in years. My sister is coming over for dinner tonight. And I’m about to watch you open your first stocking. That’s what you gave me.”

Dirk drew in a soft breath, his eyes noticeably dampening. And then he was leaning in again, using his mouth to express what he couldn’t find the words for. Todd understood him perfectly.

After a few minutes, Dirk tilted his head back and said, “You’re wrong about Samta, by the way. Or— Santa, rather.”

Todd took a second to adjust to not having Dirk’s mouth on his anymore, and then cleared his throat. “I’m listening.”

“He’s very much real,” Dirk explained. “And I’m not going to boycott Christmas or anything, but I hope he had a good reason for overlooking both of us when we did the best job ever celebrating.”

Todd shook his head incredulously. “Dirk, he’s… he’s not real. He’s just a legend, like the Easter Bunny—”

“Also real.”

“—or the Tooth Fairy.”

“I’ve met her, she’s lovely.”

Todd looked at him sideways. “Are you fucking with me right now?” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Dirk said sincerely. “At least not in that sense. Anyway, it doesn’t matter that Samta didn’t come.” He tightened his arms around Todd. “I have the best boyfriend ever.”

“Santa,” Todd corrected him, deliberately ignoring the compliment. “And what you have is a Christmas stocking waiting to be opened.”

“Oh my God, I almost forgot about the stocking!” He made a move towards it, and then hesitated, instead turning to Todd with a glint in his eye. “Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I have a surprise for you first.”

Todd raised his eyebrows. “You do?”

“Close your eyes,” Dirk instructed him, waving his hands in Todd’s face.

Having no idea what to expect, Todd obliged. For a few minutes, he heard the sound of Dirk bustling around the apartment, complete with the occasional disconcerting clatter. Then, Dirk called out for him to open his eyes. When he did, he saw Dirk standing blithely in the kitchen doorway under a sprig of mistletoe that he had obviously just hung up. 

“Would you come over here for a moment, Todd?” Dirk asked innocently.

Todd snorted. “Dirk, you’re not fooling anybody. I see the mistletoe.”

“Was it that obvious?” Dirk pouted, walking over to look at the doorway from where Todd was standing. “Well, I suppose that’s to be expected, since that was just the decoy mistletoe.”

“Oh, really? And where’s the real mistletoe?”

Dirk whipped a sprig out of his back pocket and held it above their heads. Todd had to laugh.

“You got me,” he said, pulling Dirk in for a lingering kiss.

***

The stocking was a huge success. Dirk tore through it delightedly, losing his mind over every single item he pulled out. Todd sat there watching him with a stupid grin on his face, enjoying the over-the-top reactions. He was actually pretty proud of himself. Dirk was as excited as… well, as a kid on Christmas morning. Even if dinner with Amanda that night was a total disaster, at least he would have this to hold onto.

After the stocking was empty, they had a breakfast of croissants, scrambled eggs, and bacon, and then spent some time with Dirk’s presents. They played a few rounds of Exploding Kittens, shared some chocolate (and pizza, so to speak), and now Dirk was kicking back in his corgi socks, dipping cookies in his new mug, onto which he’d placed the yellow pineapple glass marker, even though the two didn’t really go together. Todd, meanwhile, was singlehandedly preparing Christmas dinner, as Dirk wasn’t permitted anywhere near the oven. Nothing too fancy, since it was just going to be him, Dirk, Farah, and Amanda. Just a turkey, roasted sweet potatoes and carrots, and green bean casserole. God knows they had enough leftover cookies for dessert.

The time passed far more rapidly than Todd was comfortable with, and as five o’clock loomed closer, thoughts of stuffing and gravy gave way to concerns about Amanda’s upcoming arrival.

“Dirk, can you come over here and taste this?” Todd called in a thin voice, holding out a roasted carrot.

Dirk came over obediently and popped the carrot into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

“Does it need anything?” Todd asked him.

“Nope, it’s great,” Dirk said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Todd wiped his hands on his apron. “Shit, is the variety of food okay? It’s kind of a lot of vegetables, right? Did I make too many vegetables?”

“Well, I think any amount of vegetables is too many vegetables, so I’m probably not the best judge,” Dirk said.

“I should’ve made something with… cranberries. Or— oh, dinner rolls! I should’ve gotten—”

“Todd,” Dirk cut him off. Todd looked at him weakly. “Amanda will love what you’ve done.”

And right then, as if to punctuate his statement, the door swung open, and in walked Farah and Amanda, carrying gifts.

“Merry Christmas, asshole,” Amanda threw out. “It smells great in here.”

***

Dirk didn’t want to clear off any of the table decorations, so they all ate off their laps, Dirk and Todd sitting on chairs, Farah and Amanda on the couch. The dinner itself was a triumph. The turkey was tender, the sweet potatoes and carrots were well-seasoned, and the casserole was melt-in-your-mouth. Farah and Amanda had nothing but good things to say about it, Dirk shooting proud glances over at Todd whenever they did. By the time they were clearing their plates and getting ready for Secret Santa, Todd was breathing a bit easier.

Dirk handed out generously-poured glasses of champagne to everyone, having chosen an appropriately-colored pineapple glass marker for all of them, and set an assortment of leftover cookies on the coffee table as everyone sat back down. 

“Alright,” he said. “Farah, you go first. Whose name did you pick?”

Farah wrinkled her nose at him. “Dirk, it’s... it’s _Secret_ Santa, you’re not supposed to—” Todd motioned at her, and she clamped her jaw shut. “Okay. I picked your name, Dirk.”

“Ooh, excellent,” Dirk said, rubbing his hands together.

It did not escape Todd that this meant Amanda was his Secret Santa. He took a huge gulp of champagne as Farah handed Dirk a rectangular package wrapped pristinely in sparkly gold paper. Dirk admired it for all of two seconds before eagerly ripping it open. Eyes as round as saucers, he pulled a gleaming, brass plaque from the tattered paper.

“Farah, you didn’t,” Dirk said in a low voice.

“Looks like she did,” Amanda responded.

The plaque read, in bold letters, ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency: Cases Solved with Arguable Efficiency’. Farah had clearly ignored their agreed-upon price range, but she was a millionaire, and Dirk was practically flapping like a bird with happiness, so Todd decided to let it go.

“I thought the agency could use an update in its signage,” Farah said with a little head bob. “And I knew this was what you would want, so.”

Dirk looked at her, features gooey with affection. “It’s perfect,” he told her. Ever so carefully, he bent over to lay the plaque on the floor beside him, and then straightened up. “Your go, Todd. Good luck beating that.”

“Great, thanks,” Todd said, heading over to his bed to grab Farah’s gift. He trudged over and handed it to her, suddenly feeling self-conscious, and fighting the impulse to make excuses for the shoddy wrapping job he’d done the day before.

She painstakingly opened it, somehow not making a single tear in the wrapping paper, and pulled out the shirt. Todd’s chest tightened as Farah lifted it up to the light, but then she laughed appreciatively, spinning the shirt around so Dirk and Amanda could see. Dirk clapped his hands.

“Don’t tell me to smile,” Amanda read, nodding her approval. “Big mood.”

“It’s _so_ you, Farah,” Dirk said enthusiastically.

Farah smiled. “It’s great,” she said. “Thanks, Todd.”

Todd felt one of the knots in his stomach untwist itself. He grabbed a handful of snickerdoodles and sat back in his chair.

Dirk pointed at Amanda. “Your turn,” he ordered. 

“Gotcha,” she said, reaching beside her for a very bizarrely-shaped and heavy-looking package, which she hefted over to Todd. “I wrapped a bunch of random shit in there along with your gift so you wouldn’t be able to tell what it was from the shape,” she explained. “And before you open it and freak out about the price limit, the Rowdies stole it for me, so technically I followed the rules.”

Rather than question any of this, Todd got to work tearing open the paper. As he unwrapped, various articles of clothing fell to the ground, along with what looked like pieces of upholstery, and at one point, an actual brick wrapped in a tank top. But eventually he uncovered a brand-new guitar, almost identical to the one he’d smashed months prior. It took his breath away, and he stared at it in disbelief. 

“Don’t get sappy,” Amanda warned.

“Thanks, sis,” he said at last. “Honestly. It means a lot.”

“Yeah, well,” Amanda said, shifting on the couch. She turned to Dirk. “Okay, you’re up.”

Dirk sat bolt upright. “Oh! Right!” he said, rising to his feet. “Would you all excuse me for a moment?” He scuttled out the front door, leaving the three of them sitting in a circle of wrapping paper. 

After a couple of seconds, Amanda’s gaze landed on something over Todd’s shoulder, and she smirked. 

“So, do those pizza condoms actually work?” she asked.

Todd whipped his head around to see the miniature pizza box, still open and sitting on his bed. He felt his face turn bright red.

“I— Those—”

Thankfully, that’s when the door opened again, allowing Todd to stop stammering. Because standing in the doorway was Dirk. And he was holding a teeny-weeny white Pomeranian puppy.

Amanda gasped and leapt to her feet, reaching out with both hands as Dirk made his way over with the fluff ball.

“Oh my God, Dirk, what the fuck?” she blurted out, taking the puppy from Dirk and giggling as it pressed its tongue clumsily into her hand. “This is low-key my favorite kind of dog. How did you know?”

“Hunch,” Dirk beamed at her. “I just figured you and the Rowdy 3 could use some canine company.”

“You’re insane,” she told him, eyes shining. “They’re gonna love it. _I_ love it. Thank you.”

Todd met Farah’s surprised eyes, and then gaped at Dirk. “So that’s what was in the shoebox?” he asked.

“Naturally,” Dirk said, seeming very pleased with himself. “Right, who wants to play Exploding Kittens?”

***

After a few rounds of cards, during which time the Pomeranian amused itself by attacking the wrapping paper, Farah made a graceful exit, hugging each of them closely and wishing them all a Merry Christmas before departing. Not long after, but far too soon for Todd’s liking, they heard the telltale roar of the Rowdies’ van approaching.

“That’s my cue,” Amanda said, putting her hand of cards face-up on the table and getting to her feet. 

Todd’s heart sank as she hugged him and Dirk goodbye. It had felt so good to be with her. No fighting, no lies, no resentment. Not quite like old times, but closer than it had been in a while. And now she’d be off in the wind again, and Todd had no idea when he’d see her.

He lingered at her side as she put on her jacket, picked the puppy up, and tucked it in her pocket. Then he walked with her across the apartment. They came to a halt in the doorway.

“Thanks for coming,” Todd said sheepishly.

“I’m glad you asked me,” Amanda said, pausing for a second before adding, “You know, you did a good thing, Todd. For Dirk. It doesn’t fix everything, but… I like that you did it.”

“I’m trying,” he told her.

“I know,” she said sincerely. “And if you ever do anything to hurt him, I’ll rip your head off and spit down your throat.”

“Wh— You’re _my_ sister, shouldn’t you be threatening Dirk?”

Amanda looked at him unblinkingly. “No,” she said. For a second, it looked like she was about to leave, and Todd scrambled to think of one last meaningful thing to say. But then Amanda put a hand on Todd’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’ll see you really soon, Todd. Okay?”

With those simple words, that simple gesture, Todd felt his whole body settle. He smiled and nodded, not trusting his voice.

The corner of her mouth quirked up a little. And then she was gone.

Feeling more cautiously hopeful for the future than he had in a while, Todd made his way back to Dirk and snaked an arm around his waist, leaning into him. He was pretty sure he heard a gruff voice from outside loudly proclaim, “ _I love fluffy things!”_ And then the van engine revved up and tore off down the street. 

Dirk gave Todd a gentle nudge with his hip. “Good?” he asked.

“Good,” Todd replied. He really was.

Together, they made a neat-ish pile of the discarded wrapping paper, most of which was in shreds now thanks to the puppy, and took the champagne glasses and cookie boxes into the kitchen. The sink was piled sky-high again, and the kitchen looked frightening, but they decided to ignore it and get ready for bed instead.

Pretty soon, they were dressed in flannel and spooning under the covers, Dirk curled protectively around Todd, both of them basking in the warmth of what had been a perfect Christmas. The apartment was dark except for the twinkling tree lights and the glow of the Edison bulb, which reflected dimly off the faint dusting of snow that remained outside. 

“Merry Christmas,” Dirk hummed into the back of Todd’s neck.

“Mmm,” Todd sighed. “You too.”

After a time, Dirk said, “I forgive you, by the way.”

“For what?”

“Saying you’d wake me up last night when you knew full well you wouldn’t. I realize now it was part of your plan.”

“Plan is a strong word,” Todd admitted. “But thanks.”

“Also, now that I’m thinking of it,” Dirk went on. “I don’t know that anyone’s ever actually seen Santa Claus. Perhaps it’s a scientific impossibility.”

“Yeah, I don’t think scientific impossibilities exist where you’re concerned,” Todd said. “Anyway, if you’d seen Santa this year, it wouldn’t give you anything to look forward to next year.”

Dirk didn’t speak for a moment. Todd was starting to wonder if he’d instantly fallen asleep somehow when he heard him say, “Next year? So you… want to do this again?”

“Of course,” Todd said tenderly. “Yeah, I can’t wait.” Todd wasn’t facing him, but he could practically feel the elation spreading over Dirk’s face. They remained like that for a while longer before Todd remembered something. “Hey, where the hell were you hiding that puppy for the past couple of days?”

“My apartment, Todd, obviously.”

“You gave a puppy free reign over your apartment while you and I did other stuff?”

“Of course not, Todd, I’m not a barbarian. I got Bart to puppy-sit.”

“Oh, like that’s so much better. How much of a disaster is your apartment right now?”

“It’s—” Dirk began brightly. 

“It’s bad, right?”

“Horrible.”

Something that had been floating around the back of Todd’s mind for a while now shoved its way forward. He opened his mouth to let it out, and promptly closed it again. But then he thought, _No. Screw the uncertainty_. The timing was right, the conditions were ideal. It was a sign. He could do this. He wanted to do this.

“You could always move in with me,” he said.

“What, really?”

Todd turned over so he could see Dirk. The lights were casting ethereal shadows across his expectant face, and yes, Todd knew this was what he wanted. He dipped his head in confirmation, and Dirk lit up brighter than their Christmas tree. 

“Oh my God, yes,” he enthused, splaying his fingers on Todd’s chest. “I accept, I couldn’t accept harder, yes, yes, yes.”

“I mean, you practically live here anyway, so it’s not a big deal—”

“Do _not_ trivialize this, Todd,” Dirk admonished, sticking an emphatic finger in Todd’s face. “It absolutely _is_ a big deal! This is an enormous step in our relationship.”

“Okay, okay.”

“I can’t _believe_ you’re being so cavalier about this.”

“Okay! Okay, it’s a big deal!”

“It is a _huge_ deal.”

“Yes, okay! It’s the… hugest of deals,” Todd acknowledged. “I’ve never been serious enough about someone to ask them to move in with me. But I’m serious about you, Dirk, and I wanna… wake up next to you every morning instead of most mornings, and see your stuff on the shelf next to mine, and—”

But Todd never got to say what else he wanted to do, because Dirk grabbed him by the lapels of his pajamas and rolled onto his back, pulling Todd on top of him. Dirk surged up to meet Todd’s mouth, and Todd inhaled sharply, pressing Dirk down into the pillow as he kissed him back. Dirk’s fingers immediately went to Todd’s hair, tangling themselves up and tugging lightly at the roots in the way Todd loved. In response, Todd slipped his hands under Dirk’s pajama top and grazed his knuckles up and down his sides, making Dirk whimper softly beneath him. Todd pulled away for a moment, pressing his forehead to Dirk’s as he caught his breath.

“I love you,” Dirk whispered.

“I love you,” Todd murmured back.

Dirk tilted his chin up to find Todd’s mouth again. As they lay there holding each other, safe and warm, their hearts beating in unison, Todd knew without a doubt that this was the best Christmas he’d ever had.

**Epilogue**

Santa’s Log, 12/24/17

Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently— FAILED ENTRY

Notes: No chimney, window too narrow to fit through. Will try again next year.


End file.
